How do you move, take a step forward, when you can't see in front of you? How to do you walk, or even sit, when you're not sure where to? When your vision is clouded, when you can't see, how do you know if you're in the right place? How do you just have peace with where you are, in every aspect of your life... when the future is a big question mark?
I know. These questions are big, and easily solvable. But when you're in that place of uncertainty, when anxiousness and sin wags its weary head, when you feel unstable on all sides, its easy to "say" but much harder to "do" or live into the truth that you have come to know.
I spent some Jesus time on Sunday night. I just needed it. I wrote in my journal a ton. I listened. God sings words over me, literally, and a sort of uneasy calm rests on my soul. As I was pouring out my heart to Him, here are the words He gave me...
"The LORD your God is in your midst,
A victorious warrior
He will exult over you with joy,
He will be quiet in His love,
He will rejoice over you with shouts of joy."
Just to dissect this a little bit (and make it fresh on my heart to remind myself of these truths today) let me take it line by line.
"The Lord your God is in your midst" - this might be an easy one for you, but for me I had to take a deep breath and breathe this truth in. The God who created the heavens and the earth is in my midst; is with ME. That is incredible. To remember in the times where I feel like I'm running, he is there. Almost as if I'm on a treadmill, and he is sitting beside me but I keep looking ahead and don't notice him beside me; with me where I am. Not sure that was a good analogy, but you get the picture.
"A victorious warrior" You may be wondering why I didn't include this on the above line. Well I believe this particular description of God needs its own line, and in my heart brings a different meaning, hope, and freedom to the verse. God is a victorious warrior & He is in my midst. That is OUR God! Amen? So as the flaming arrows of the evil one, or my sin and flesh drag me down, all I need to do is call on Jesus, and He will go to war for me. In fact - He already has. He is victorious, over all my sin. Hallelujah! So He is big enough, and able, and willing and ready to get me out of this cloud I'm in. To sit me down. Help me abide. See that there is a future, but I just need to grab His hand and walk.
"He will exult over you with joy" Wow. This drops me to my knees. I don't have a reason for Him do that. The fact is though that He loves me. Of all people. He died on the Cross for my sins. He is with me, conquered death, and loves me. I give Him joy. I pray that as I learn to abide, trust, and have faith that this statement will be true of me.
"He will be quiet in His love" I pulled these verses from the NASB version because that is what I study in. Other versions might say "He will quiet you with His love". Which to me feels different. His love will quiet you. And in this one, it says He will be quiet in His love. Looking at it through the eyes of the NASB it isn't forced. He will be quiet in His love my friends; knowing that it is available, it offers peace, and that His love will transform your life. He is quiet with it. I read again this morning in Matthew 11, and it reminds me of taking his love "on".
"Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and YOU WILL FIND REST FOR YOUR SOULS. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light."
Take His quiet love on you, His yoke, and you will find rest for your souls. He is gentle and humble in heart. That is what I think can correlate to this passage.
"He will rejoice over you with shouts of joy" More of that undeserved goodness. There is rejoicing in heaven over sinners who come to know the truth. I think there is a whole lot of praise for the saved sinner, who continues their walk with Jesus, admitting their sin, and coming back in repentance. In essence "walking in humility and recognition of our need for God". In that recognition and being filled once again we are restored, renewed, refreshed, and made whole once again by His goodness and grace.
I pray that you are encouraged by my meditations on this scripture. I didn't expect it to take this turn, but as I began to write this is where the Spirit led me. If for nothing else, perhaps just to get me on track, with peace, to rest in Him.
God gave it to me last night, and is continuing to feed my soul by it today. If only I would walk in its truth. Submit to God's way. Hear His voice calling me... "Trust me Katie. Abide in Me. I love you. I am in your midst. YOUR victorious warrior."
love your not so faithful blog writer,
Katie
Monday, March 02, 2009
Sunday, February 22, 2009
Freely give...
Hi there. Thank you everyone for your support, prayers, and encouragement that I have received over the past week or so. God is certainly doing a good work. As always, the really good stuff doesn't come without some hard stuff too. But all in all, we're doing well and enjoying the gifts that God has given us.
That really doesn't have too much to do with what I'm about to say here, but it will kick start this idea of "giving". Prepare yourself, because sometimes my random thought flow may only make sense in my head. But please know as I worked out this post in trying to explain what God is teaching me, He continued to reveal more and more truth, and wrap it around my heart. I pray He does the same for you!
At house church on Wednesday we were walking through Revelation. (I know right?) But we're studying it on Sundays and God has really anointed the leaders of my church to speak relevance to us through scripture. Yes - even creatures with eyes all over them. Did you know they were given eyes to gaze upon our creator sitting on His thrown? Everything is to worship God and glorify Him. Its pretty awesome.
Ok, back at the ranch... the question as posed was my friend Amanda has some free flow "facilitating" going on. "Is there a difference between compassion and evangelism?" Deep right? Right before this question we were talking about losing our compassion for "the lost". In my younger days (i.e. 10 years ago) I was very "religious". I was kind of caught in my box of religiosity, rules, standards, etc. I didn't bask in the freedom of Christ. I set up bounds. Sure we need them, and many times kept me from things that could have gotten me into trouble. If you are a friend from high school, and you're reading this, thanks for still being my friend.
Moving along, I have since changed. God has just given me a passion to love people well. Showing them Jesus instead of just claiming Him. And not in a way that my only aim is to do good works, but that they would see an authentic relationship with Christ, see how God changes my life and how there is a good desperation for Him, and that they would desire the same. I am not claiming to be an expert, or even "good" at this little mission statement, but my conversations have strayed much farther away from 4 spiritual laws, into just knowing and loving people where I am and where they are.
Thus, I am back to house church. I think the two (evangelism and compassion) can go hand in hand depending on your definition (as some at HC pointed out), but I would really like to where my compassion has been. Passion, yes. But compassion paints a different picture.
Here is the definition my faithful friend (dictionary.com) gives:
a feeling of deep sympathy and sorrow for another who is stricken by misfortune, accompanied by a strong desire to alleviate the suffering.
My heart is feeling the "...a strong desire to alleviate the suffering". I am talking about the agony of suffering spiritually in this case. YES to alleviating physical suffering. But "compassion for the lost", looks different. I want to alleviate the suffering that people experience by NOT knowing God. The deprivation that exists without Jesus can be intolerable, and unbearable. I want to alleviate that. I can say that isn't something I think about very often, and truly haven't for a while (maybe never in that way) until this past week.
Two things to follow this random thought flow:
1. Never worry about what you are going to actually say. Don't worry about the words that will be coming out of your mouth. Here is the truth that hit me in my time in the Word last week. Reading in Matthew 10: "...do not worry about how or what you are to say; for it will be given you in that hour what you are to say. For it is not you who speak, but it is the Spirit of your Father who speaks in you."
2. It is a gift you are giving to speak truth into their lives. No this does not mean to go on a street corner and yell out truths (reference Preacher Dan if you went to IU, or other campus' that proclaim eternal damnation one every corner. To me this isn't love... but that is another topic for another day) But consider in the moment when the Spirit is prompting you to speak, or not speak, to listen, or to hug, to cry, or to laugh... whatever He is, do it in the truth of Jesus. That is a gift. You are showing compassion by speaking into their lives as God asks. [even christian to christian ok? Lets love each other continually in truth]
In Matthew 10 verse 8 says, as Jesus is telling the disciples to go out and live out the Kingdom of Heaven that is available on earth (making disciples of all nations): Freely you received, freely give.
God has freely given us His Spirit, and freely gave us salvation. We must offer up the same opportunity for those that God places in our paths. Don't hold back out of fear. Again out of Matthew 10: "Therefore do not fear them, for there is nothing concealed that will not be revealed, or hidden that will not be known."
Walk in truth and love. Please hold me to the same standard.
I pray that you are encouraged. As my friend called last night, had me pray with her before church tomorrow knowing 3-4 friends might come who don't know Jesus, we prayed that God would move. We prayed that she would hold no expectation, but just that their hearts would be led to Jesus. It will never be out of anything of ourselves. Salvation, grace, love, mercy, redemption, restoration, are acts of the one true, Holy, Sovereign, God. All praise to Him.
Still processing I think... but my heart is encouraged by the boldness of His message in my life this past week.
Love in Jesus as always.
Katie
That really doesn't have too much to do with what I'm about to say here, but it will kick start this idea of "giving". Prepare yourself, because sometimes my random thought flow may only make sense in my head. But please know as I worked out this post in trying to explain what God is teaching me, He continued to reveal more and more truth, and wrap it around my heart. I pray He does the same for you!
At house church on Wednesday we were walking through Revelation. (I know right?) But we're studying it on Sundays and God has really anointed the leaders of my church to speak relevance to us through scripture. Yes - even creatures with eyes all over them. Did you know they were given eyes to gaze upon our creator sitting on His thrown? Everything is to worship God and glorify Him. Its pretty awesome.
Ok, back at the ranch... the question as posed was my friend Amanda has some free flow "facilitating" going on. "Is there a difference between compassion and evangelism?" Deep right? Right before this question we were talking about losing our compassion for "the lost". In my younger days (i.e. 10 years ago) I was very "religious". I was kind of caught in my box of religiosity, rules, standards, etc. I didn't bask in the freedom of Christ. I set up bounds. Sure we need them, and many times kept me from things that could have gotten me into trouble. If you are a friend from high school, and you're reading this, thanks for still being my friend.
Moving along, I have since changed. God has just given me a passion to love people well. Showing them Jesus instead of just claiming Him. And not in a way that my only aim is to do good works, but that they would see an authentic relationship with Christ, see how God changes my life and how there is a good desperation for Him, and that they would desire the same. I am not claiming to be an expert, or even "good" at this little mission statement, but my conversations have strayed much farther away from 4 spiritual laws, into just knowing and loving people where I am and where they are.
Thus, I am back to house church. I think the two (evangelism and compassion) can go hand in hand depending on your definition (as some at HC pointed out), but I would really like to where my compassion has been. Passion, yes. But compassion paints a different picture.
Here is the definition my faithful friend (dictionary.com) gives:
a feeling of deep sympathy and sorrow for another who is stricken by misfortune, accompanied by a strong desire to alleviate the suffering.
My heart is feeling the "...a strong desire to alleviate the suffering". I am talking about the agony of suffering spiritually in this case. YES to alleviating physical suffering. But "compassion for the lost", looks different. I want to alleviate the suffering that people experience by NOT knowing God. The deprivation that exists without Jesus can be intolerable, and unbearable. I want to alleviate that. I can say that isn't something I think about very often, and truly haven't for a while (maybe never in that way) until this past week.
Two things to follow this random thought flow:
1. Never worry about what you are going to actually say. Don't worry about the words that will be coming out of your mouth. Here is the truth that hit me in my time in the Word last week. Reading in Matthew 10: "...do not worry about how or what you are to say; for it will be given you in that hour what you are to say. For it is not you who speak, but it is the Spirit of your Father who speaks in you."
2. It is a gift you are giving to speak truth into their lives. No this does not mean to go on a street corner and yell out truths (reference Preacher Dan if you went to IU, or other campus' that proclaim eternal damnation one every corner. To me this isn't love... but that is another topic for another day) But consider in the moment when the Spirit is prompting you to speak, or not speak, to listen, or to hug, to cry, or to laugh... whatever He is, do it in the truth of Jesus. That is a gift. You are showing compassion by speaking into their lives as God asks. [even christian to christian ok? Lets love each other continually in truth]
In Matthew 10 verse 8 says, as Jesus is telling the disciples to go out and live out the Kingdom of Heaven that is available on earth (making disciples of all nations): Freely you received, freely give.
God has freely given us His Spirit, and freely gave us salvation. We must offer up the same opportunity for those that God places in our paths. Don't hold back out of fear. Again out of Matthew 10: "Therefore do not fear them, for there is nothing concealed that will not be revealed, or hidden that will not be known."
Walk in truth and love. Please hold me to the same standard.
I pray that you are encouraged. As my friend called last night, had me pray with her before church tomorrow knowing 3-4 friends might come who don't know Jesus, we prayed that God would move. We prayed that she would hold no expectation, but just that their hearts would be led to Jesus. It will never be out of anything of ourselves. Salvation, grace, love, mercy, redemption, restoration, are acts of the one true, Holy, Sovereign, God. All praise to Him.
Still processing I think... but my heart is encouraged by the boldness of His message in my life this past week.
Love in Jesus as always.
Katie
Friday, February 13, 2009
A Change in the course...
Man where do I begin? It seems I have come to a point where there is something I want to share with you, and the words seem to be fleeting. However, it all began with my blog, my words, to you. So first of all, thank you. Thank you for reading, being interested in my life, and my internal processing. It is truly a blessing to not just write, but to be heard. Thank you.
God has richly blessed me with a friendship or rather a “relationship”, that I now find myself in. In all the blogs I’ve ever posted, to me, this feels the most vulnerable. I’m not sure why exactly… perhaps its because as far as “relationships” go, not many happen to me. I typically don’t find myself in them. I don’t usually feel a need to post a blog about anything of the sort either. And usually when I meet a guy, I give them to Jesus, and Jesus usually keeps them.
All that to say, right now, it is the opposite. I have found that God has worked in my life in this male relationship for the good, continuously. With that said, I’m not really sure how to begin to tell you about it… still… I guess I could start with a name. His name is Tyson. Hold on to your hats, because as I divulged this story to my closest friends and family, I usually would preface it with that. I’m about to take you on a crazy ride.
What better way to tell my friends about him, then this venue; where it all began.
I blog. Its what I do. Outside of everything else, when there is a moment to breathe, a “fresh word” as I affectionately call it, I spew out the very words that reel in my head. Thought after thought… until it comes out sometimes in a manner in which one might actually understand. A few months ago, my blog was found, and it was understood fully. That is the craziest part. (or not so crazy.. unless you think God is crazy… in which case it is indeed crazy.)
Tyson lost his wife, Leslie, in July from cancer. Leslie was Anna’s (my big sister’s) best friend. I linked to their blog continuously throughout Leslie’s illness and afterward. Through prayer God grew my heart for their family. Leslie and I had hung out quite a few times, and TJ was really the first baby I felt comfortable with. I actually WANTED to babysit him. That was a pretty big deal. Then when Leslie got cancer, I watched it affect Anna, and God grew my heart and my prayer life around them. I asked for prayer quite a few times, and I’m sure you sensed my deep longing for healing over her, and peace for the family. God took her home in July, and since then God has been taking Tyson (and Anna, and her family, and her friends) on a miraculous healing journey.
We “lost” our sister Sarah almost 4 years ago to cancer. She had it for 9 months, and it was an uphill battle until the end. She is sweetly home, with Jesus, and Leslie. God has done some miraculous things in Anna, in me, in Tyson, in TJ… and the stories could go on and on. We have received confirmation after confirmation that this new relationship is God’s desire right now. For today.
Back to the blogging – Tyson found this blog because he saw (through Google analytics) that my blog was linking to his. He talked to Anna about it… how similar our writing was, our hearts for God, and just how we process life, death, scripture, God, etc. Anna said in response “Finally… someone gets Katie.” How true that is.
Every day since Tyson found my blog and felt led by the Spirit to email me, it has been a day to abide, to surrender, and allow God to do what He wills. (not what I will)
There have been times I’ve wanted to run, but God sweetly sings over me “remai
n in Me, abide in Me, trust Me…” And the song of peace rests on my soul, and I again remain. That doesn’t mean I’m not happy, joyful, and extremely thankful for the man I now do life with; I just don’t want you to think its infatuation or that my head is in the clouds…perhaps it is on occasion, but God does ground me.
It is indeed a relationship; full of all the fun discussions, “DTR’s”, emotions, feelings, etc. It’s quite a humbling experience for me. God is giving me large doses of joy through this man – and for that I am thankful. God is working in us, and through us, for one another. We “do life” together, and it is great to walk with a man like him.
I don’t know what tomorrow will bring, but I do know that this is where God has me… has us. Tomorrow is another day to surrender to Him, but with the confidence of commitment to one another. I seriously have never had God say “stay”…. And it’s almost as hard as Him saying, “go”. It is an interesti
ngly beautiful place, where I find myself.
So – Tyson is his name. Get to know him. Here is his blog: tysonaschliman.blogspot.com
Now – a lot of you may be new to my blog. Thank you for coming as I know Tyson is anxious for you to know me; as am I. My life is an “open book” of sorts. (as you can tell) I started my blog when God called me to
Things you may want to know…hmmm….
- I love Jesus (if you couldn’t tell)
- my favorite color is green (TJ knows this and I think Tyson finally has it down)
- I have 4 sisters
- Sarah- in heaven. Would have just turned 30 on January 21st
- Anna – 27. Married to Rob. They have my one and only beautiful nephew Will (aka Nugget) And a cat, who they wish they could get rid of. (he is really cute, jus t high maintenance)
- Laura – 22. Married to Brandt. She is my baby sister and I have always been over protective. Just got married in August. Mom to a dog & cat. (they are busy “newly” weds)
- I have two awesome parents. They are amazing…truly. Talk about overcoming adversity and staying the course in the midst of suffering and immense pain. They are an inspiration.
- I love running even though I have really bad knees. Its something I’m working through.
- I love movies and movie popcorn (much like my dad)
- I am a “cat” person. I don’t want 50 – just one good one.
- I played softball for 10 years, but never tried out for my high school team. Just too afraid to not make it.
- I am passionate about other countries, and cross cultural story telling
- I appreciate when someone can look at every human being as a person… as created in God’s own image. (I’m not that great at it- I aspire to be though)
- I love to love… to love people well. It’s like my mission statement.
- I love to dance and sing whenever I get the chance.
- I love my church… not because of the walls, but because of the community I’ve found there. I see Jesus in the eyes of my friends.
- The kind of music I listen to affects my mood. There are days when I know I just need to listen to some worship – to remember my place, the God who saved me, and worship my creator. Let’s be honest – He is the only one worth of it.
- Family is (obviously) of the utmost importance. Not to be exclusive, but inclusive of all who want to be there. The more the merrier.
- I love where I live – with Bridgette and Deb. In Broadripple (
There is, obviously, a lot more to me than what you see here. If you read any of my previous blogs I’m sure you’ll begin to get a glimpse of my heart. If you have questions you can ask me. I am just following what I know to be God’s desire for me right now.
I want you to know, as friends and family of Tyson and TJ, that I adore them both. I would not be here (neither would Tyson) if we didn’t know that God desired this, and is indeed blessing it. Just when I think there will be a mountain we can’t climb, we get to the top of it better than we were before. I am excited and completely thankful to be a part of their lives… the lives that Leslie left them with, or “gave” them. I loved Leslie, and I love the parts of her that are in Tyson and TJ. I will, and do, honor her in every way.
Thank you for reading. Thank you for taking the time to invest in me, my heart, my relationship with God and others… and to pray with me. Because that is what I need most!
I look forward to getting to know the new readers and continuing to embrace the “old”.
Love,
Katie
Ps- this will not become a “relationship” based blog. However, I felt the need for my readers to understand this relationship as the course of life, and what I’m learning, can sometimes include Tyson and TJ. “Deep thoughts by Katie Umbaugh” will continue. Brace yourselves.
Picture: Compliments of Lydia and her new hobby
Thursday, February 05, 2009
Identity Redefined... Constantly
So, last night I was able to participate in a panel at Grace Community Church. I grew up going to Grace, and in the Sr. High youth group (now named "Merge") is where the foundations of my faith were built.
They had a panel of 5 people on the stage there. We each talked about our time in the youth group, how our view of God has changed since, things we took away from it, and then any advice we could offer. Each of us had different angles but were all supportive of the others points. It was great for me to be there, in that place, pray and speak to the kids who sit int he proverbial seat that I did just 8 years ago.
It was really cool to hear their perspectives, and to really express my own. To see Rob Yonan, "Mighty" Mike Chandler, Phil Bender, and Debbie Schaffer in the room, really kept it in perspective. To see their committed faces, still there, years later, and years before me, I was encouraged.
Anyway, onto identity. The other night I was talking with Tyson (story to come later), and we were talking about the idea of moving, etc. I was having an extremely bad day - for no apparent reason other than I was walking in selfishness and sin. I was freaking out at the idea, really grasping what it would mean. (and you know I'm a "moving" junkie) I began to explain how I would "lose myself".... "I would leave my job, my family, my friends, my roommates, my house, my church, my community, etc." I continued to complain until the point of tears. Gosh I was a mess.
Then, we began to pray at the end of the phone call. God brought some heavy truth to my earlier complaint. "Where is your identity?" "Who are you to be found in?" The answer is obvious, or maybe not so. But earlier in the conversation it would seem as if I was finding my identity in the things I did, the people I knew, the community I was in, the job I had. That night was a fresh Spirit reminder that my identity needs to be found in Christ.
To wrap this story back to the beginning, the students were able to ask questions after the panel. There was one girl, toward the end, who asked (something along this line...) "How did you just be yourself, and not be influenced by others?" Or... "how did you figure out who you are?" They were good at asking questions, and often times "the panel" would look from side to side kind of like..'Ummm...." However, I tried to answer and had nothing. I ended up saying "Just be yourself" not really knowing how to actually accomplish that.
With so much around you, so many different styles, likes, dislikes, personalities, religions, clothing stores, hair colors, cars, incomes, book bags, classes to take, cliques to hang with... how do you just be you? In that sea of endless possibilities and judgements?
In humility at the generic "non-answer" I gave, I handed the mic to Maven, who was sitting next to me. While she was giving a good explanation of how you kind of learn from each other in high school; pulling from different styles and tastes and "discovering" who you are, I remembered my moment of humility the night before. "CHRIST"
Maven handed the mic back as I told this awesome high school student, that just last night, at age 25, I realize (once again) that my identity needs to be found in Christ. Yes, you will discover what you like and don't like. In my previous answer I had said "try new things and find out what interests you and what you are good at doing at do it". Then it comes full circle. God gave you talents and gifts, and ultimately to live those out in Christ is your identity. First, and always, you are a child of God. Live into that. Grow into that, and the rest will come together as it may.
So it doesn't matter if I live here, Chicago, Kenya, California, or where ever God may take me. It doesn't matter what church I attend, how far away my family is, or who I love. [I thought I had learned this in Kenya]
I am a child of God.
Mulling over this beautiful realization with Lydia over dinner (before youth group) she reminded me of a JJ Heller song which I love. It goes like this...
True Things
I am not the clothes I’m wearing
I am not a photograph
I am not the car I drive
I am not the money I make
I am not the things I lack
I am not the songs I write
I am… who I am
I am who I am
There are true things inside of me
I have been afraid to see
I believe, help my unbelief
Would you say again what you said to me
I am loved
I am free
I believe, help my unbelief
I am not the house I live in
I am not the man I love
I am not the mistakes that I carry
I am not the food that I don’t eat
I am not what I’m above
I am not my scars and my history
To your love
I’m waking up
In your love
I’m waking up
Be encouraged. Live into Jesus, and who He created you to be. As Maven said "There has never been anything to prove."
Love,
Kate
They had a panel of 5 people on the stage there. We each talked about our time in the youth group, how our view of God has changed since, things we took away from it, and then any advice we could offer. Each of us had different angles but were all supportive of the others points. It was great for me to be there, in that place, pray and speak to the kids who sit int he proverbial seat that I did just 8 years ago.
It was really cool to hear their perspectives, and to really express my own. To see Rob Yonan, "Mighty" Mike Chandler, Phil Bender, and Debbie Schaffer in the room, really kept it in perspective. To see their committed faces, still there, years later, and years before me, I was encouraged.
Anyway, onto identity. The other night I was talking with Tyson (story to come later), and we were talking about the idea of moving, etc. I was having an extremely bad day - for no apparent reason other than I was walking in selfishness and sin. I was freaking out at the idea, really grasping what it would mean. (and you know I'm a "moving" junkie) I began to explain how I would "lose myself".... "I would leave my job, my family, my friends, my roommates, my house, my church, my community, etc." I continued to complain until the point of tears. Gosh I was a mess.
Then, we began to pray at the end of the phone call. God brought some heavy truth to my earlier complaint. "Where is your identity?" "Who are you to be found in?" The answer is obvious, or maybe not so. But earlier in the conversation it would seem as if I was finding my identity in the things I did, the people I knew, the community I was in, the job I had. That night was a fresh Spirit reminder that my identity needs to be found in Christ.
To wrap this story back to the beginning, the students were able to ask questions after the panel. There was one girl, toward the end, who asked (something along this line...) "How did you just be yourself, and not be influenced by others?" Or... "how did you figure out who you are?" They were good at asking questions, and often times "the panel" would look from side to side kind of like..'Ummm...." However, I tried to answer and had nothing. I ended up saying "Just be yourself" not really knowing how to actually accomplish that.
With so much around you, so many different styles, likes, dislikes, personalities, religions, clothing stores, hair colors, cars, incomes, book bags, classes to take, cliques to hang with... how do you just be you? In that sea of endless possibilities and judgements?
In humility at the generic "non-answer" I gave, I handed the mic to Maven, who was sitting next to me. While she was giving a good explanation of how you kind of learn from each other in high school; pulling from different styles and tastes and "discovering" who you are, I remembered my moment of humility the night before. "CHRIST"
Maven handed the mic back as I told this awesome high school student, that just last night, at age 25, I realize (once again) that my identity needs to be found in Christ. Yes, you will discover what you like and don't like. In my previous answer I had said "try new things and find out what interests you and what you are good at doing at do it". Then it comes full circle. God gave you talents and gifts, and ultimately to live those out in Christ is your identity. First, and always, you are a child of God. Live into that. Grow into that, and the rest will come together as it may.
So it doesn't matter if I live here, Chicago, Kenya, California, or where ever God may take me. It doesn't matter what church I attend, how far away my family is, or who I love. [I thought I had learned this in Kenya]
I am a child of God.
Mulling over this beautiful realization with Lydia over dinner (before youth group) she reminded me of a JJ Heller song which I love. It goes like this...
True Things
I am not the clothes I’m wearing
I am not a photograph
I am not the car I drive
I am not the money I make
I am not the things I lack
I am not the songs I write
I am… who I am
I am who I am
There are true things inside of me
I have been afraid to see
I believe, help my unbelief
Would you say again what you said to me
I am loved
I am free
I believe, help my unbelief
I am not the house I live in
I am not the man I love
I am not the mistakes that I carry
I am not the food that I don’t eat
I am not what I’m above
I am not my scars and my history
To your love
I’m waking up
In your love
I’m waking up
Be encouraged. Live into Jesus, and who He created you to be. As Maven said "There has never been anything to prove."
Love,
Kate
Saturday, January 24, 2009
Stirring of love
What a week it has been. One of ups and downs. Fear and hope. Sorrow and joy.
My father has sleep apnea. After 3 days in the heart hospital his lungs and heart "check out" ok, and then it what was up to sleep apnea for causing weight gain (due to excessive fluid in his body), the lack of sleep, the shortness of breath, and general "weariness" of my father. Praise God they found it now - and praise God they have answers for that sort of thing.
The doctor said it would be a miracle to get the sleep test on Thursday night. But as we know of our God, He is a miracle doer. My dad got in on Thursday, was tested, and came out with all sorts of results that I couldn't re-iterate if I tried. Basically it was really bad. His oxygen was in the low 70s from the time he fell asleep until 1am - from there they put the "machine" on to give him oxygen and regulate his breathing, and he was "ok". Hopefully the machine and diuretics will help the fluid weight shed off and the breathing to become better.
Thank you for your prayers for him, for us, this week. They were certainly answered. I am looking forward to some healing here after!
There was fear and hope in those times with dad. More friends underwent sorrow and loss these past couple weeks. My friend's grandfather died this week and another friend's grandmother died last week. My friend whose grandmother passed away, said this after learning of the next death in "the group": adulthood sucks sometimes Amen. I am seeing death, suffering, and just the "hardships" of life are more frequent and personal as I gain years. But in that my recognition of God's love extends and grows even more so than the last time.
God has been showing me what His loves means in new ways. I was talking to a friend about "For God so loved the world..." We were talking about how we so often focus on the "that He gave His only son that who so ever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life". So, take it apart and really allow God's love to show. Allow the "bigness" the "grandness" the incredible love that God showed us by sending His ONLY son for US. Mankind. You. Me. And every face you see. That is who He loves. [hang on now.. I'm switching to a new point, but it will connect. God's love in sending this Son - that sacrifice ... ]
So reading in Exodus God stirred hearts to bring things for a "freewill offering". "The Israelites, all the men and women, whose heart moved them to bring material for all the work, which the LORD had commanded through Moses to be done, brought a freewill offering to the LORD " Man- even God's heart was stirred... "Everyone whose heart stirred him and everyone whose spirit moved him came and brought the LORD'S contribution for the work of the tent of meeting and for all its service and for the holy garments. "
It is beautiful to imagine that God gave us all gifts to contribute - some monetarily, some by physical ability, some by the ability of our hearts or minds. There is something for all people to give... to "offer" that contributes to the full beauty of God - the body of Christ! How awesome that as parts we are just an ear, or just a hand... but together we make up the body and can glorify God together. I love that. Harmony. Oneness. Sacrifice - ours and His - for the glory of God.
Anyway - bringing it together (if I can possibly attempt to do so) - out of God's "freewill" offering, He so loved us. [I.e. He sent His Son, as an offering, a sacrifice for OUR sin. That is amazing. Let that resonate. The God of the universe, the maker of you and me, who created all things, including light, day, night, animals, earth, planets, sun, moon, stars... HE sent HIS son for US. Wow. He sacrificed so that we might have life. He loves us that much. Praise God!!! And all God's people said....]
So lets "so love Him". Lets offer our lives as living sacrifices to Him.
(from Romans 12:1 The Message)
So here's what I want you to do, God helping you: Take your everyday, ordinary life—your sleeping, eating, going-to-work, and walking-around life—and place it before God as an offering. Embracing what God does for you is the best thing you can do for him.
He loved us. Embrace it. "Your kindness Lord leads us to repentance". Life, new life, will continue to come through repentance and we can get there through His kindness. What a gracious and merciful God! What would our lives look like if we gave back to Him, or began to, all that He has given for us? And you know what - I'm not talking about "sell all your possessions and give to the poor" (although it isn't a bad idea and its an idea that is certainly not out of what God might be calling for any one person to) However, just a daily surrender to His will and His way. Recognizing His love for us - not so that we sin more, but simply that we pick up our cross - however heavy it may be, it may make us sweat, we may not like, it could bring tears and even physical pain - but we pick it up because we know it is the best and we follow Him.
That, my friends, is true life. That is following the Lord. God is breathing new life into me on a daily basis. Through His Spirit, through the freshness of His words, through relationships. I am thankful for new life and His love which he "freely" gave. (freewill offering)
We have a choice in life. Who will you choose to follow? Who will I choose? Its not just when I wake, but every minute of every day. Yeah I'll fall. But He is surely there when I rise; and He may just send angels to pick me up.
May we be stirred to love others, out of a stirring to love God. "Because He first loved us."
Choose Jesus with me...
Katie
As we depart from this blog, remember the words in Romans 8 regarding God's love for you:
My father has sleep apnea. After 3 days in the heart hospital his lungs and heart "check out" ok, and then it what was up to sleep apnea for causing weight gain (due to excessive fluid in his body), the lack of sleep, the shortness of breath, and general "weariness" of my father. Praise God they found it now - and praise God they have answers for that sort of thing.
The doctor said it would be a miracle to get the sleep test on Thursday night. But as we know of our God, He is a miracle doer. My dad got in on Thursday, was tested, and came out with all sorts of results that I couldn't re-iterate if I tried. Basically it was really bad. His oxygen was in the low 70s from the time he fell asleep until 1am - from there they put the "machine" on to give him oxygen and regulate his breathing, and he was "ok". Hopefully the machine and diuretics will help the fluid weight shed off and the breathing to become better.
Thank you for your prayers for him, for us, this week. They were certainly answered. I am looking forward to some healing here after!
There was fear and hope in those times with dad. More friends underwent sorrow and loss these past couple weeks. My friend's grandfather died this week and another friend's grandmother died last week. My friend whose grandmother passed away, said this after learning of the next death in "the group": adulthood sucks sometimes Amen. I am seeing death, suffering, and just the "hardships" of life are more frequent and personal as I gain years. But in that my recognition of God's love extends and grows even more so than the last time.
God has been showing me what His loves means in new ways. I was talking to a friend about "For God so loved the world..." We were talking about how we so often focus on the "that He gave His only son that who so ever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life". So, take it apart and really allow God's love to show. Allow the "bigness" the "grandness" the incredible love that God showed us by sending His ONLY son for US. Mankind. You. Me. And every face you see. That is who He loves. [hang on now.. I'm switching to a new point, but it will connect. God's love in sending this Son - that sacrifice ... ]
So reading in Exodus God stirred hearts to bring things for a "freewill offering". "The Israelites, all the men and women, whose heart moved them to bring material for all the work, which the LORD had commanded through Moses to be done, brought a freewill offering to the LORD " Man- even God's heart was stirred... "Everyone whose heart stirred him and everyone whose spirit moved him came and brought the LORD'S contribution for the work of the tent of meeting and for all its service and for the holy garments. "
It is beautiful to imagine that God gave us all gifts to contribute - some monetarily, some by physical ability, some by the ability of our hearts or minds. There is something for all people to give... to "offer" that contributes to the full beauty of God - the body of Christ! How awesome that as parts we are just an ear, or just a hand... but together we make up the body and can glorify God together. I love that. Harmony. Oneness. Sacrifice - ours and His - for the glory of God.
Anyway - bringing it together (if I can possibly attempt to do so) - out of God's "freewill" offering, He so loved us. [I.e. He sent His Son, as an offering, a sacrifice for OUR sin. That is amazing. Let that resonate. The God of the universe, the maker of you and me, who created all things, including light, day, night, animals, earth, planets, sun, moon, stars... HE sent HIS son for US. Wow. He sacrificed so that we might have life. He loves us that much. Praise God!!! And all God's people said....]
So lets "so love Him". Lets offer our lives as living sacrifices to Him.
(from Romans 12:1 The Message)
So here's what I want you to do, God helping you: Take your everyday, ordinary life—your sleeping, eating, going-to-work, and walking-around life—and place it before God as an offering. Embracing what God does for you is the best thing you can do for him.
He loved us. Embrace it. "Your kindness Lord leads us to repentance". Life, new life, will continue to come through repentance and we can get there through His kindness. What a gracious and merciful God! What would our lives look like if we gave back to Him, or began to, all that He has given for us? And you know what - I'm not talking about "sell all your possessions and give to the poor" (although it isn't a bad idea and its an idea that is certainly not out of what God might be calling for any one person to) However, just a daily surrender to His will and His way. Recognizing His love for us - not so that we sin more, but simply that we pick up our cross - however heavy it may be, it may make us sweat, we may not like, it could bring tears and even physical pain - but we pick it up because we know it is the best and we follow Him.
That, my friends, is true life. That is following the Lord. God is breathing new life into me on a daily basis. Through His Spirit, through the freshness of His words, through relationships. I am thankful for new life and His love which he "freely" gave. (freewill offering)
We have a choice in life. Who will you choose to follow? Who will I choose? Its not just when I wake, but every minute of every day. Yeah I'll fall. But He is surely there when I rise; and He may just send angels to pick me up.
May we be stirred to love others, out of a stirring to love God. "Because He first loved us."
Choose Jesus with me...
Katie
As we depart from this blog, remember the words in Romans 8 regarding God's love for you:
38For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers,
39nor height, nor depth, nor any other created thing, will be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
Prayer request... vent... waiting... praise!
So - I just got word Dad has sleep apnea. His heart is ok. His lungs are ok. Praise God, amen?
This day has been one of intentional prayer, for him, and other stuff... and I praise God for answering my prayers about my dad.
He is going to be in the hospital tonight. He is going to be released tomorrow (as of right now), and they are trying to schedule a sleep study on him to make sure they set the "machine" to the correct amount of oxygen he will need through the night.
I am awe inspired by God's working in my heart. I am awed by the response of His people - YOU. Thank you for speaking into my life. My heart is 180 degrees from where it was last night. God would get glory either way. Just like our friends who were thrown into the fire in the book of Daniel... "Throw us in there. Burn us up. Our God can save. But even if He doesn't... we will never bow to your god." However, He heard, He answered, and made clear that its sleep apnea.
Thank you all for your prayers, your notes, your encouragement. I've been brought to tears at your response, and I want you to know you've made a difference in my life.
Thank you.
Yours truly,
Katie
This day has been one of intentional prayer, for him, and other stuff... and I praise God for answering my prayers about my dad.
He is going to be in the hospital tonight. He is going to be released tomorrow (as of right now), and they are trying to schedule a sleep study on him to make sure they set the "machine" to the correct amount of oxygen he will need through the night.
I am awe inspired by God's working in my heart. I am awed by the response of His people - YOU. Thank you for speaking into my life. My heart is 180 degrees from where it was last night. God would get glory either way. Just like our friends who were thrown into the fire in the book of Daniel... "Throw us in there. Burn us up. Our God can save. But even if He doesn't... we will never bow to your god." However, He heard, He answered, and made clear that its sleep apnea.
Thank you all for your prayers, your notes, your encouragement. I've been brought to tears at your response, and I want you to know you've made a difference in my life.
Thank you.
Yours truly,
Katie
Still waiting...
After my vent session last night and my day of prayer today, I wanted to update you quickly. (as I need to remain, or gain, focus at work)
My dad and I chatted this morning. The cardiologist came in after his echo and didn't find anything with his heart. This is good news... praise God!
The "arg" news is that we still don't know whats up. The diagnosis of heart failure was really giving us a clearer picture of could be happening and has been happening. And so, we wait. God is here though, amen? I'm trying to remain in His presence as He remains in mine.
He said to me "Seek my face", and my heart continually says to Him "Your face I will seek". And so it is today... still waiting, still anxious, but seeking His face in decisions, in the health of my earthly father, and gaining strength from my eternal one.
If you have no idea what I'm talking about, read the previous post!
love and peace will always come...
Katie
My dad and I chatted this morning. The cardiologist came in after his echo and didn't find anything with his heart. This is good news... praise God!
The "arg" news is that we still don't know whats up. The diagnosis of heart failure was really giving us a clearer picture of could be happening and has been happening. And so, we wait. God is here though, amen? I'm trying to remain in His presence as He remains in mine.
He said to me "Seek my face", and my heart continually says to Him "Your face I will seek". And so it is today... still waiting, still anxious, but seeking His face in decisions, in the health of my earthly father, and gaining strength from my eternal one.
If you have no idea what I'm talking about, read the previous post!
love and peace will always come...
Katie
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
Prayer request turns to a vent...
Well friends, there have been a few times I've tried to begin to write you. I wanted to begin to describe the sweetness that is my time in Exodus these days. Yes there are some days where I've been more "into it", but all together God is teaching me a lot about Himself; even showing me the consistencies of His personality (however debated it may be between the new and old Testament)
For example... here is a snippet of what I began 2 weeks ago:
My time in Exodus has been so sweet lately. Just a side note as God told Moses who He was this morning. As I look at the sun out the window I remember His words... (and Moses' immediate response... He "made haste"...)
Anyway, so you see where I was going with that one. I guess I wanted to bring something before you, yet again. Amidst the praises and sorrows of 2008, hopes are high for 2009. God is doing a lot in my heart and life (which I will divulge in future posts) but for now I will tell you about my dad.
Surely it will end up being "nothing" as they say, or at least "treatable". However, even in the optimism of those around me, and even the optimism in my dad, my spirits just kind of "sunk" today as I went and hung out with him in the hospital room at lunch.
We watched the inauguration together. Certainly a moment in history that will not be forgotten. I don't care if you are a democrat or a republican; a conservative or a liberal; or a little bit of both. (frankly I don't care what I am either) What I appreciated today was the redemption I saw in America. This is a post for another time... but seriously, equality for all mankind... the symbolism was quite beautiful.
Moving along with my dad...We had a big family lunch on Sunday. Kind of a last minute thing at my parents, and Dad didn't seem to be doing well. I think he was discouraged by the lack of wellness he is experiencing, even though he has been working his butt off to change the course his body was taking. (reference last November) Anyway, he is undergoing a lot of tests right now. They have gone back and forth with the diagnosis; certainly God is in the waiting. Its something with his heart. There is a mass amount of fluid in his legs. He is just not that well & has quite a few symptoms. So they need to find the original issue and that would (ideally) solve the rest.
Frankly, I'm just discouraged. Truly shouldn't be. I need to be trusting in the Almighty. I can feel myself crawling into that cave I've mentioned before... and what I told myself, and you (my blog), is this...
don't crawl in caves. That may sound silly but yesterday I shut down. I hibernated. I went into my "cave" of processing and it made things worse. I would let no one in and I certainly wasn't coming out. God was with me, but my heart was so unbearably hard I'm not even sure I was listening to the One person who was trying to get me out of there.
I am thankful for God's presence with me. I am thankful that He yanked me out of there today. Note to self: do not crawl into a cave unless you plan on bringing someone out.
Guys, my cave is seeming more appealing. I am hating the fact my dad is in the hospital. And I don't want to hear it will be ok, and I don't want to hear that they don't know... I want him to be better. And that is the fact. It makes it hard to work. It makes it hard to carry on conversations. This amidst a lot of other things going on. There are decisions to be made. There are answers to seek. And its as if crisis comes in my path every time I'm faced with decisions.
I apologize for the vent session. I prayed this morning as I spent time in the word that I would be a joy giver, not a joy taker.
Moses' face shone among the Israelites because of His time with God. Seriously! What a testimony. It shown so brightly that he had to veil it until he went to meet with God the next time. That is what I wanted to be today to the world, to my family, to my friends.
I fear that I have taken joy today. I desire to love others so well; granted I wasn't awful to any one, I'm not writhing in guilt tonight. However, in the midst of my dad's suffering, our waiting, I'm sure I could have been more kind, loving, patient, and gentle.
Even as I write this my heart is feeling a little more convicted about it, and God is speaking words of love over me.
"Katie... I love you. I know you. I created you. I fashioned you together for My purposes. I will never leave you nor forsake you. You are Mine."
These are words of truth... God hear my plea... break the glass, the ice, that is laid on my heart tonight. I pray the tears that so desperately want to pour out of my soul would come like a flood and land at your feet... or rather in your jar. If it is strength and not pride or sin that is holding me together like this, may I feel like, recognize it, and give you praise for it. But God - if it is sin in me, break me. Break my heart.
That is me in the flesh my friends. That is me tonight. I guess I would ask for prayer for my dad, and his health and spirits. My mom in her trust in God and her spirits. My sisters. My brothers. And me. I would ask for your prayer as I desire to seek God's face, God's will, and God's desire for me. I desire His rest. It is so obvious that God is tying together His truths in Exodus for my weary heart today:
MOSES - "Now therefore, I pray You, if I have found favor in Your sight, let me know Your ways that I may know You, so that I may find favor in Your sight. Consider too, that this nation is Your people."
"Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy laden, and I will give you rest."
That truth is available to all... for dad, for me, for you.
A friend gave me this today... praying these words sink into my heart with more truth than they did today. I pray that I wake up with these sung over me and that it would change the way I live my day, the way my heart feels, and the focus I have... may these words ring true for me:
Do you not know? Have you not heard? The Everlasting God, the LORD, the Creator of the ends of the earth does not become weary or tired. His understanding is inscruitable. He gives strength to the weary, and to him who lacks strength, He increases power. Though youths grow weary and tired, and vigorous young men stumble badly, yet those who wait on the LORD will gain new strength; they will mount up with wings like eagles, they will run and not get tired, they will walk and not become weary. (Isaiah 40:28-31)
So this was more of a vent session. Thank you for walking along side me in this journey. In my ups, and my downs. I pray that you find rest in God tonight. May His song of peace sing over you.
In Christ I find my rest,
Katie
PS- thank you for being here. I considered editing this blog post because by the time I got to the end of it, my spirit was lifted. God uses my times here to bring me before the cross again and rest. I am there once again. But it doesn't do any good for you to read a dishonest post. This is me tonight. These were my emotions and feelings as I processed. And I ended up on the side of God's grace once again. Praise God for that. I would hate to remain where I was....
For example... here is a snippet of what I began 2 weeks ago:
My time in Exodus has been so sweet lately. Just a side note as God told Moses who He was this morning. As I look at the sun out the window I remember His words... (and Moses' immediate response... He "made haste"...)
Then the LORD passed by in front of him and proclaimed, "The LORD, the LORD God, compassionate and gracious, slow to anger, and abounding in lovingkindness and truth;
who keeps lovingkindness for thousands, who forgives iniquity, transgression and sin'; ... Moses made haste to bow low toward the earth and worship."
Anyway, so you see where I was going with that one. I guess I wanted to bring something before you, yet again. Amidst the praises and sorrows of 2008, hopes are high for 2009. God is doing a lot in my heart and life (which I will divulge in future posts) but for now I will tell you about my dad.
Surely it will end up being "nothing" as they say, or at least "treatable". However, even in the optimism of those around me, and even the optimism in my dad, my spirits just kind of "sunk" today as I went and hung out with him in the hospital room at lunch.
We watched the inauguration together. Certainly a moment in history that will not be forgotten. I don't care if you are a democrat or a republican; a conservative or a liberal; or a little bit of both. (frankly I don't care what I am either) What I appreciated today was the redemption I saw in America. This is a post for another time... but seriously, equality for all mankind... the symbolism was quite beautiful.
Moving along with my dad...We had a big family lunch on Sunday. Kind of a last minute thing at my parents, and Dad didn't seem to be doing well. I think he was discouraged by the lack of wellness he is experiencing, even though he has been working his butt off to change the course his body was taking. (reference last November) Anyway, he is undergoing a lot of tests right now. They have gone back and forth with the diagnosis; certainly God is in the waiting. Its something with his heart. There is a mass amount of fluid in his legs. He is just not that well & has quite a few symptoms. So they need to find the original issue and that would (ideally) solve the rest.
Frankly, I'm just discouraged. Truly shouldn't be. I need to be trusting in the Almighty. I can feel myself crawling into that cave I've mentioned before... and what I told myself, and you (my blog), is this...
don't crawl in caves. That may sound silly but yesterday I shut down. I hibernated. I went into my "cave" of processing and it made things worse. I would let no one in and I certainly wasn't coming out. God was with me, but my heart was so unbearably hard I'm not even sure I was listening to the One person who was trying to get me out of there.
I am thankful for God's presence with me. I am thankful that He yanked me out of there today. Note to self: do not crawl into a cave unless you plan on bringing someone out.
Guys, my cave is seeming more appealing. I am hating the fact my dad is in the hospital. And I don't want to hear it will be ok, and I don't want to hear that they don't know... I want him to be better. And that is the fact. It makes it hard to work. It makes it hard to carry on conversations. This amidst a lot of other things going on. There are decisions to be made. There are answers to seek. And its as if crisis comes in my path every time I'm faced with decisions.
I apologize for the vent session. I prayed this morning as I spent time in the word that I would be a joy giver, not a joy taker.
Moses' face shone among the Israelites because of His time with God. Seriously! What a testimony. It shown so brightly that he had to veil it until he went to meet with God the next time. That is what I wanted to be today to the world, to my family, to my friends.
I fear that I have taken joy today. I desire to love others so well; granted I wasn't awful to any one, I'm not writhing in guilt tonight. However, in the midst of my dad's suffering, our waiting, I'm sure I could have been more kind, loving, patient, and gentle.
Even as I write this my heart is feeling a little more convicted about it, and God is speaking words of love over me.
"Katie... I love you. I know you. I created you. I fashioned you together for My purposes. I will never leave you nor forsake you. You are Mine."
These are words of truth... God hear my plea... break the glass, the ice, that is laid on my heart tonight. I pray the tears that so desperately want to pour out of my soul would come like a flood and land at your feet... or rather in your jar. If it is strength and not pride or sin that is holding me together like this, may I feel like, recognize it, and give you praise for it. But God - if it is sin in me, break me. Break my heart.
That is me in the flesh my friends. That is me tonight. I guess I would ask for prayer for my dad, and his health and spirits. My mom in her trust in God and her spirits. My sisters. My brothers. And me. I would ask for your prayer as I desire to seek God's face, God's will, and God's desire for me. I desire His rest. It is so obvious that God is tying together His truths in Exodus for my weary heart today:
MOSES - "Now therefore, I pray You, if I have found favor in Your sight, let me know Your ways that I may know You, so that I may find favor in Your sight. Consider too, that this nation is Your people."
GOD- "My presence shall go with you, and I will give you rest."
"Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy laden, and I will give you rest."
That truth is available to all... for dad, for me, for you.
A friend gave me this today... praying these words sink into my heart with more truth than they did today. I pray that I wake up with these sung over me and that it would change the way I live my day, the way my heart feels, and the focus I have... may these words ring true for me:
Do you not know? Have you not heard? The Everlasting God, the LORD, the Creator of the ends of the earth does not become weary or tired. His understanding is inscruitable. He gives strength to the weary, and to him who lacks strength, He increases power. Though youths grow weary and tired, and vigorous young men stumble badly, yet those who wait on the LORD will gain new strength; they will mount up with wings like eagles, they will run and not get tired, they will walk and not become weary. (Isaiah 40:28-31)
So this was more of a vent session. Thank you for walking along side me in this journey. In my ups, and my downs. I pray that you find rest in God tonight. May His song of peace sing over you.
In Christ I find my rest,
Katie
PS- thank you for being here. I considered editing this blog post because by the time I got to the end of it, my spirit was lifted. God uses my times here to bring me before the cross again and rest. I am there once again. But it doesn't do any good for you to read a dishonest post. This is me tonight. These were my emotions and feelings as I processed. And I ended up on the side of God's grace once again. Praise God for that. I would hate to remain where I was....
Friday, January 02, 2009
Abiding... a year in review
God is good.
I guess I felt like I needed to post and didn't know what to tell you. I suppose I could begin to relive what 2008 was like for me, for those I know, and knew, and what I hope 2009 unfolds. But there is just no telling what is on its way for us.
I do think its appropriate for me, and my heart, to make sure I receive what I learned last year and continue on in that learning with whatever God allows or brings my way in 2009.
First things first:
To abide. There has not been a word that has been so freshly laid on my heart as this one. As I recount the wars, the trials, the questions gone unanswered, the victories, the fears, the praises...to abide rings more true in my heart than ever.
Dictionary.com offers opinions on the matter and so perfectly coincide with my heart through out 2008. (and scripture that God taught me)
To abide is to remain. Crazy right? Or maybe not. But consider scripture that you probably have heard many times "remain in Me..." In the NASB the word the used is abide.
"Abide in Me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit of itself unless it abides in the vine, so neither can you unless you abide in Me." John 15:4
Another transforming idea of abiding is to abide in His love. What does that mean for you? For me, to abide in God's love, to remain there, means that I won't live into the fear, guilt, and shame that I have from my sin. It means choosing God before self. It means a constant surrender to the ONE who can do abundantly more than I could ask or imagine. Who wouldn't want to remain in that love? Even on those days when you question His presence, abide in His love, trust His presence. He is with you.
Other awe striking definitions of abiding are: "to have one's abode: to dwell", "to wait", "to accept without opposition or question".
Wow. God is dwelling with us friends. His dwelling place (His tabernacle) is us.
To wait. Do I need to explain this at all? Waiting is the name of the game. We are ultimately waiting for redemption and restoration of ourselves and mankind - however - we are actively waiting as in every moment God is calling us to love the world as He did. Abide in Him. He will enable you to accomplish all things in Him. "Wait for the Lord. Be strong. Let your heart take courage. Yes wait for the Lord."
To accept without opposition or question. If you didn't read the post 2 times ago, on Mary, please do because for me God is wrapping more and more truth around what I've learned recently in these definitions of abiding. Mary did question - I will give you that. But it wasn't with opposition, or a lack of trust, just kind of "are you serious God? I'm going to have Jesus, but really?" And then Mary was accepting it, she embraced it, and began the process of abiding in a new circumstance. Oh how I need to learn from her. God has put me in circumstances this year where I did not believe it. He has put people in my path where I felt inadequate to help, love appropriately, or be used by Him - but abiding did conquer. God conquered. I accepted the positions He put me in, and I have seen beautiful transformation in me and in the lives around me. How beautiful abiding is. To accept without opposition. Just trust Him. wow.
So those are my reflections on abiding.
The rest of year... I am in shock as I just went back through my blog from 2008, seeing what I've asked for prayer over. I guess I can update you on the fact that I can now take my coffee with just cream (cut out the sugar), and A LOT less cream than I was drinking last year. Baby steps to black.
My blog in 2008 began (after reflecting on Sarah) with crisis in Kenya, which is has now subsided. I believe there is still a little unrest, but God in His grace brought peace, and now Kenya is working on building their economy again. By His grace I might return this year. Now that would be incredible.
I asked for prayer for my friend (Anna's best friend) Leslie. We joined in the war, together, as a body of Christ, praying fervently for healing, but also for God's will. God, in His infinite and unfathomable love, understanding, and justice, took her home. I don't understand why God answers certain things the way He does. How do we learn to abide with answers we didn't prefer? We trust (in the midst of the agony) that God is sovereign. I do know that God has continued to pour out love and healing on the family she left behind. Please continue to pray for them. Her fight is over, but God still has a plan and a desire for Tyson and TJ.
I have asked for prayer for my dad. He is on the road to health. Having the understanding that dad has anemia, he is now taking a lot more iron, and eating iron rich foods. No internal bleeding. Praise God! Answered prayers... miracles. Thank you for walking along side us in that. Continue to pray for improved health.
There were some funny times certainly - with my family. Here are two blogs that I think are worth highlighting from the past year: (they aren't long, but I think they'll make you laugh. Especially if you know them)
DAD story about mothers day
Lets not forget how my mom began to use email. :)
MOM story about emailing
Also in 2008, my grandfather was very sick. In October he went home to Jesus. I praise God for the uniquely beautiful goodbyes I had with him. I will never forget how he loved me with his last breaths. I will never forget how he called me "a sweetie". I will never forget seeing his eyes for the last time. I will never forget his laugh, his smile, his kisses, his hugs. I will never forget him. I am thankful for him, his life, and even his death and all he taught me about being a fighter and a lover. Please continue to pray for my grandma, my dad, my uncles, and our family as we learn what life can look like without him. To live into the plan God has for us now, as Grandpa completed the task that God set before him. We've still got work to do my friends!
I have asked for prayer for the McCrackens. They still need your prayers friends. I just read an update on the possibility of surgery (they are pretty sure) on her liver to remove more cancer; and it looks like she will also be receiving radiation treatment. Pray for the family. Pray for Susie McCracken. Praise God for their time of "rest" over the holidays- no surgery, no radiation, just family time. But we need to join this family again in prayer. Thank you for your faithfulness family.
My baby sister got married in August. Brandt (her hubby) and her are learning a lot and growing together beautifully. There are a lot of raw truths that are discovered in marriage (not that I know from experience... but I've walked with a lot of friends through it), and they seem to be taking them one day at a time. Putting one foot in front of another. Her wedding was incredible and beautiful, and its a great thing to watch as they learn and grow and love each other more daily.
Ahhh... what a year huh? I know I've learned more, studied more, blogged more, than I put here but to just recap what God is doing, how He is active in my life and the lives around me is healthy for my heart. I am thankful that I was able to look at Him at the end of 2008 and say ...
"Thank you God. Thank you for your faithfulness, your goodness, your provision, your love this year. May I come to know you more intimately in the days, months, and year to follow. Thank you for new relationships, thank you for those I've temporarily said goodbye to, thank you for being present in the joy and sorrow. For the year to come... May I praise you more. May I come to you more. May I love you more. May I surrender more. Oh God ... that I would abide more. I offer you my life, my year, my all."
So - I guess I went into details of events over the past year, but it is just interesting to look at it over a year. I pray that we will all grow and learn and love more in 2009.
Thanks for sticking with me the past year. I look forward to living life on here with you in the year to come.
Cheers to 2009!
Katie
I guess I felt like I needed to post and didn't know what to tell you. I suppose I could begin to relive what 2008 was like for me, for those I know, and knew, and what I hope 2009 unfolds. But there is just no telling what is on its way for us.
I do think its appropriate for me, and my heart, to make sure I receive what I learned last year and continue on in that learning with whatever God allows or brings my way in 2009.
First things first:
To abide. There has not been a word that has been so freshly laid on my heart as this one. As I recount the wars, the trials, the questions gone unanswered, the victories, the fears, the praises...to abide rings more true in my heart than ever.
Dictionary.com offers opinions on the matter and so perfectly coincide with my heart through out 2008. (and scripture that God taught me)
To abide is to remain. Crazy right? Or maybe not. But consider scripture that you probably have heard many times "remain in Me..." In the NASB the word the used is abide.
"Abide in Me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit of itself unless it abides in the vine, so neither can you unless you abide in Me." John 15:4
Another transforming idea of abiding is to abide in His love. What does that mean for you? For me, to abide in God's love, to remain there, means that I won't live into the fear, guilt, and shame that I have from my sin. It means choosing God before self. It means a constant surrender to the ONE who can do abundantly more than I could ask or imagine. Who wouldn't want to remain in that love? Even on those days when you question His presence, abide in His love, trust His presence. He is with you.
Other awe striking definitions of abiding are: "to have one's abode: to dwell", "to wait", "to accept without opposition or question".
Wow. God is dwelling with us friends. His dwelling place (His tabernacle) is us.
To wait. Do I need to explain this at all? Waiting is the name of the game. We are ultimately waiting for redemption and restoration of ourselves and mankind - however - we are actively waiting as in every moment God is calling us to love the world as He did. Abide in Him. He will enable you to accomplish all things in Him. "Wait for the Lord. Be strong. Let your heart take courage. Yes wait for the Lord."
To accept without opposition or question. If you didn't read the post 2 times ago, on Mary, please do because for me God is wrapping more and more truth around what I've learned recently in these definitions of abiding. Mary did question - I will give you that. But it wasn't with opposition, or a lack of trust, just kind of "are you serious God? I'm going to have Jesus, but really?" And then Mary was accepting it, she embraced it, and began the process of abiding in a new circumstance. Oh how I need to learn from her. God has put me in circumstances this year where I did not believe it. He has put people in my path where I felt inadequate to help, love appropriately, or be used by Him - but abiding did conquer. God conquered. I accepted the positions He put me in, and I have seen beautiful transformation in me and in the lives around me. How beautiful abiding is. To accept without opposition. Just trust Him. wow.
So those are my reflections on abiding.
The rest of year... I am in shock as I just went back through my blog from 2008, seeing what I've asked for prayer over. I guess I can update you on the fact that I can now take my coffee with just cream (cut out the sugar), and A LOT less cream than I was drinking last year. Baby steps to black.
My blog in 2008 began (after reflecting on Sarah) with crisis in Kenya, which is has now subsided. I believe there is still a little unrest, but God in His grace brought peace, and now Kenya is working on building their economy again. By His grace I might return this year. Now that would be incredible.
I asked for prayer for my friend (Anna's best friend) Leslie. We joined in the war, together, as a body of Christ, praying fervently for healing, but also for God's will. God, in His infinite and unfathomable love, understanding, and justice, took her home. I don't understand why God answers certain things the way He does. How do we learn to abide with answers we didn't prefer? We trust (in the midst of the agony) that God is sovereign. I do know that God has continued to pour out love and healing on the family she left behind. Please continue to pray for them. Her fight is over, but God still has a plan and a desire for Tyson and TJ.
I have asked for prayer for my dad. He is on the road to health. Having the understanding that dad has anemia, he is now taking a lot more iron, and eating iron rich foods. No internal bleeding. Praise God! Answered prayers... miracles. Thank you for walking along side us in that. Continue to pray for improved health.
There were some funny times certainly - with my family. Here are two blogs that I think are worth highlighting from the past year: (they aren't long, but I think they'll make you laugh. Especially if you know them)
DAD story about mothers day
Lets not forget how my mom began to use email. :)
MOM story about emailing
Also in 2008, my grandfather was very sick. In October he went home to Jesus. I praise God for the uniquely beautiful goodbyes I had with him. I will never forget how he loved me with his last breaths. I will never forget how he called me "a sweetie". I will never forget seeing his eyes for the last time. I will never forget his laugh, his smile, his kisses, his hugs. I will never forget him. I am thankful for him, his life, and even his death and all he taught me about being a fighter and a lover. Please continue to pray for my grandma, my dad, my uncles, and our family as we learn what life can look like without him. To live into the plan God has for us now, as Grandpa completed the task that God set before him. We've still got work to do my friends!
I have asked for prayer for the McCrackens. They still need your prayers friends. I just read an update on the possibility of surgery (they are pretty sure) on her liver to remove more cancer; and it looks like she will also be receiving radiation treatment. Pray for the family. Pray for Susie McCracken. Praise God for their time of "rest" over the holidays- no surgery, no radiation, just family time. But we need to join this family again in prayer. Thank you for your faithfulness family.
My baby sister got married in August. Brandt (her hubby) and her are learning a lot and growing together beautifully. There are a lot of raw truths that are discovered in marriage (not that I know from experience... but I've walked with a lot of friends through it), and they seem to be taking them one day at a time. Putting one foot in front of another. Her wedding was incredible and beautiful, and its a great thing to watch as they learn and grow and love each other more daily.
Ahhh... what a year huh? I know I've learned more, studied more, blogged more, than I put here but to just recap what God is doing, how He is active in my life and the lives around me is healthy for my heart. I am thankful that I was able to look at Him at the end of 2008 and say ...
"Thank you God. Thank you for your faithfulness, your goodness, your provision, your love this year. May I come to know you more intimately in the days, months, and year to follow. Thank you for new relationships, thank you for those I've temporarily said goodbye to, thank you for being present in the joy and sorrow. For the year to come... May I praise you more. May I come to you more. May I love you more. May I surrender more. Oh God ... that I would abide more. I offer you my life, my year, my all."
So - I guess I went into details of events over the past year, but it is just interesting to look at it over a year. I pray that we will all grow and learn and love more in 2009.
Thanks for sticking with me the past year. I look forward to living life on here with you in the year to come.
Cheers to 2009!
Katie
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
My Tabernacle
So I wrote this post before Christmas, but I thought the message of Mary should remain until after the big day. As a side note, the idea of Mary's desire turning into the desire of God that already exists is beautiful to me. She accepts it, desires it, but it doesn't take away from how hard it is and will be. Keep that in mind as you allow God to mold your desires into what He desires. Its cool... but in ain't easy.
Anyway, along with the post. I am past this now in my current study of Exodus, but I hope this raises questions and thoughts from you. Thanks for reading and participating with me as I grow in the knowledge and understanding of God through His word (even in the OT).
my tabernacle
So… as you may know, and if not you’re just now finding out, I have been studying the Old Testament. For words I don’t understand I look at my thick concordance. But generally things make sense when taken in smaller chunks. Sure I could use a little history lesson, but it beautiful coincides with some of the study I’m doing in Revelation at Common Ground and Acts that I am doing with a friend.
I’m not sure if you’re familiar with Exodus, but for a while its been mainly about Moses; the journey out of Egpyt, through the sea, into the wilderness, etc. I just finished the laws, and have entered into the building of the tabernacle.
Its taken days on days to get through it, and I’m still reading about curtains, pillars, linens, the alter, etc. It is filled with intricate details, none of which I will begin to share with you lest I lose the small amount of interest that I have thankfully peaked. Just know that it is very detailed. As the sizes are determined, the materials choses (gold, silver, bronze, acacia wood, etc.), and colors picked (purple linen for example) I was amazed for the first couple chapters of such detail; pulling some verses to which I can squeeze a drop of “word” into my soul for that day’s “daily bread”.
Well, a couple days ago, I continued on this journey of reading how God was describing that the Israelites build His tabernacle. Then I noticed a baby “a” right by the word “tabernacle”. (this signals me to go down to the bottom of the page and see what reference its talking about) It translated the word “tabernacle” to “dwelling place”. For a minute I began to think “cool. Yeah. Where God dwells…like His church”.
We are tabernacles. We are dwellings places for the most High God! That in and of itself is powerful…and then how is God telling us to build it?
Just a thought…
Sunday, December 21, 2008
There is more depth in Christmas...
I have been challenged with some thoughts regarding Christmas and I thought it would be good for me to dig deeper into them in this venue.
The first being the idea of saying "Welcome to the world baby Jesus!" My friend was struggling with the idea of saying this knowing the purpose and intent of God coming down in the form of man to suffer, be persecuted, and ultimately killed for His people - us! How can you say lightly "Welcome!" ? I think there are some things to keep in mind in regards to that idea. Absolutely it is with humble gratitude that we thank God for coming to save us from the destruction that we ask for, the wrath we deserve... knowing He offers life apart from that.
God decided long before we began to say "welcome" that He would send His only son, to come, live this life, die for us, and then be raised from the dead. He crafted His plan so that all mankind would have the opportunity to come and know Him. We rejoice with who He is. We hurt because we see our God take on our punishment on the cross. And we rejoice when He is raised from the dead because that is what gives us life.
So he came, he lived, he died, and now lives again.
"...And I will ask the Father, and he will give you another Counselor to be with you forever— the Spirit of truth. The world cannot accept him, because it neither sees him nor knows him. But you know him, for he lives with you and will be in you." (John 14: 15-17)
PRAISE GOD! When I take communion, some times my mind is coherent and alert enough as I come before the throne of God, my creator, my savior, my redeemer, my restorer, my King, I imagine the nails going into Jesus' hands. I picture the blood pouring out of them. I imagine the Father on the throne allowing this to take place so that He would see me not only in Heaven, but living this life for Him.
I imagine my greed nailed on Jesus. I imagine my selfishness pouring from his forehead. I imagine my lust nailing his feet. I weep in raw humility of what my God has done for me. I weep knowing He CHOSE to give me the option at life, and He died so that I may also die to myself.
Three days later my God rose again. He rose so that I may have life. He sent the counselor. He sent the Spirit. He was not just offering life in Heaven, but on earth. Life to the fullest in both places.
"You heard me say, 'I am going away and I am coming back to you.' If you loved me, you would be glad that I am going to the Father, for the Father is greater than I. I have told you now before it happens, so that when it does happen you will believe. I will not speak with you much longer, for the prince of this world is coming. He has no hold on me, but the world must learn that I love the Father and that I do exactly what my Father has commanded me." (John 14: 28)
That is Jesus speaking to His disciples. The world MUST KNOW. Who is going to tell them? Who is going to communicate the gospel in love to the people who haven't a clue? Its not about the 4 spiritual laws. Jesus loved. Follow His example. He was in relationship. Follow that too. Trust Him.
So when I say "Welcome to the world baby Jesus"... may my heart be rendered humbly and eternally thankful for the sacrifice and choice that God made to save a wretch like me.
Point Number 2 (keeping in mind point number one and even the previous blogs on redemption):
Mary was first told by an angel that she was going to give birth to Jesus. She was engaged, not married. She was a virgin. So obviously there were a lot of questions. She was not afraid to ask the angel...
"How will this be," Mary asked the angel, "since I am a virgin?"
And as angels do, they provide clarity and reassurance of God...
"The angel answered, "The Holy Spirit will come upon you, and the power of the Most High will overshadow you. So the holy one to be born will be called the Son of God. Even Elizabeth your relative is going to have a child in her old age, and she who was said to be barren is in her sixth month. For nothing is impossible with God."
Any well minded teenager I am sure would have many more questions... wondering what people would think of her, of Joseph, how they would provide for this baby; and so it is with the call of God on our lives so often.
"God seriously? Keeping me in Indiana? How will I do the things I'm passionate about in this state?"
" Um... so Africa... money... language... culture... how God?"
"Sarah has cancer. If she dies Lord, how will I live? How will I breath? How will I go on?"
After each question I ask, He continually answers "Trust Me."
Anyway, so, Mary doesn't ask a second round. The angel affirms her, and puts her in her place, so to speak. "Nothing is impossible with God."
Well ok then. She says..."I am the Lord's servant," Mary answered. "May it be to me as you have said." Then the angel left her."
What was so astounding to me today, was after the revelation from the angel, telling Mary what was about to happen, was her reaction. Its ok to wonder, its ok to ask a question, but sooner rather than later you need to accept that this is God's will. Mary did that so beautifully.
"I am the Lord's servant. May it be as you have said."
Yes its scary. The will of God isn't always easy or predictable, but if He has called you to it, you must trust Him that it is better than what YOU could have conjured up yourself. That, to me my friends, is incredible faith. If you notice it is not just "yes God I'll do what you say", but it is "May it be as you have said." Her desire for her life then became what God's desire is.
May my will conform to what God's will is. May my desire for my life be what God's desire is for it.
"Not my will, but Your's be done."
Jesus said that (to bring back point 1). He chose God's will, and essentially His, to be crucified, taking on the wrath of the world, and to be raised 3 days later and then ascend into Heaven. WOW. So that we, all mankind, might be saved. That is the most beautiful love story of all. That is the greatest unfolding of God's will I've known.
There are so many things to learn. There is so much transformation of my heart that needs to happen. May we be presently aware of the inter workings of the miracle of Jesus' birth, and the characters and stories that God worked together for one pregnancy.
The birth of our savior is something to be trembled.
I pray that this season, these days, we would focus on GOD. Not just the story. Not the days and years that followed, but praising God today, 2008, for how He continues to unfold the story of redemption in our lives.
Joyfully & Humbly His today,
Katie
The first being the idea of saying "Welcome to the world baby Jesus!" My friend was struggling with the idea of saying this knowing the purpose and intent of God coming down in the form of man to suffer, be persecuted, and ultimately killed for His people - us! How can you say lightly "Welcome!" ? I think there are some things to keep in mind in regards to that idea. Absolutely it is with humble gratitude that we thank God for coming to save us from the destruction that we ask for, the wrath we deserve... knowing He offers life apart from that.
God decided long before we began to say "welcome" that He would send His only son, to come, live this life, die for us, and then be raised from the dead. He crafted His plan so that all mankind would have the opportunity to come and know Him. We rejoice with who He is. We hurt because we see our God take on our punishment on the cross. And we rejoice when He is raised from the dead because that is what gives us life.
So he came, he lived, he died, and now lives again.
"...And I will ask the Father, and he will give you another Counselor to be with you forever— the Spirit of truth. The world cannot accept him, because it neither sees him nor knows him. But you know him, for he lives with you and will be in you." (John 14: 15-17)
PRAISE GOD! When I take communion, some times my mind is coherent and alert enough as I come before the throne of God, my creator, my savior, my redeemer, my restorer, my King, I imagine the nails going into Jesus' hands. I picture the blood pouring out of them. I imagine the Father on the throne allowing this to take place so that He would see me not only in Heaven, but living this life for Him.
I imagine my greed nailed on Jesus. I imagine my selfishness pouring from his forehead. I imagine my lust nailing his feet. I weep in raw humility of what my God has done for me. I weep knowing He CHOSE to give me the option at life, and He died so that I may also die to myself.
Three days later my God rose again. He rose so that I may have life. He sent the counselor. He sent the Spirit. He was not just offering life in Heaven, but on earth. Life to the fullest in both places.
"You heard me say, 'I am going away and I am coming back to you.' If you loved me, you would be glad that I am going to the Father, for the Father is greater than I. I have told you now before it happens, so that when it does happen you will believe. I will not speak with you much longer, for the prince of this world is coming. He has no hold on me, but the world must learn that I love the Father and that I do exactly what my Father has commanded me." (John 14: 28)
That is Jesus speaking to His disciples. The world MUST KNOW. Who is going to tell them? Who is going to communicate the gospel in love to the people who haven't a clue? Its not about the 4 spiritual laws. Jesus loved. Follow His example. He was in relationship. Follow that too. Trust Him.
So when I say "Welcome to the world baby Jesus"... may my heart be rendered humbly and eternally thankful for the sacrifice and choice that God made to save a wretch like me.
Point Number 2 (keeping in mind point number one and even the previous blogs on redemption):
Mary was first told by an angel that she was going to give birth to Jesus. She was engaged, not married. She was a virgin. So obviously there were a lot of questions. She was not afraid to ask the angel...
"How will this be," Mary asked the angel, "since I am a virgin?"
And as angels do, they provide clarity and reassurance of God...
"The angel answered, "The Holy Spirit will come upon you, and the power of the Most High will overshadow you. So the holy one to be born will be called the Son of God. Even Elizabeth your relative is going to have a child in her old age, and she who was said to be barren is in her sixth month. For nothing is impossible with God."
Any well minded teenager I am sure would have many more questions... wondering what people would think of her, of Joseph, how they would provide for this baby; and so it is with the call of God on our lives so often.
"God seriously? Keeping me in Indiana? How will I do the things I'm passionate about in this state?"
" Um... so Africa... money... language... culture... how God?"
"Sarah has cancer. If she dies Lord, how will I live? How will I breath? How will I go on?"
After each question I ask, He continually answers "Trust Me."
Anyway, so, Mary doesn't ask a second round. The angel affirms her, and puts her in her place, so to speak. "Nothing is impossible with God."
Well ok then. She says..."I am the Lord's servant," Mary answered. "May it be to me as you have said." Then the angel left her."
What was so astounding to me today, was after the revelation from the angel, telling Mary what was about to happen, was her reaction. Its ok to wonder, its ok to ask a question, but sooner rather than later you need to accept that this is God's will. Mary did that so beautifully.
"I am the Lord's servant. May it be as you have said."
Yes its scary. The will of God isn't always easy or predictable, but if He has called you to it, you must trust Him that it is better than what YOU could have conjured up yourself. That, to me my friends, is incredible faith. If you notice it is not just "yes God I'll do what you say", but it is "May it be as you have said." Her desire for her life then became what God's desire is.
May my will conform to what God's will is. May my desire for my life be what God's desire is for it.
"Not my will, but Your's be done."
Jesus said that (to bring back point 1). He chose God's will, and essentially His, to be crucified, taking on the wrath of the world, and to be raised 3 days later and then ascend into Heaven. WOW. So that we, all mankind, might be saved. That is the most beautiful love story of all. That is the greatest unfolding of God's will I've known.
There are so many things to learn. There is so much transformation of my heart that needs to happen. May we be presently aware of the inter workings of the miracle of Jesus' birth, and the characters and stories that God worked together for one pregnancy.
The birth of our savior is something to be trembled.
I pray that this season, these days, we would focus on GOD. Not just the story. Not the days and years that followed, but praising God today, 2008, for how He continues to unfold the story of redemption in our lives.
Joyfully & Humbly His today,
Katie
Sunday, December 14, 2008
Part 2: Redemption in the Inbetween
I don't believe I've ever written a "part 2" on my blog before. If you're finding this just read the previous post about redemption. I'm sure I will begin to repeat myself, for which I apologize, but I am praying that God gives me the words that He wants me to share here; as I process what redemption looks like in my own life.
Ironically (or not so because of God), today at church we talked about redemption. I'm sure many churches across the US, or perhaps the world, did as well. Why you ask? Because Common Ground has decided to walk through the liturgy of the advent season. Today's verses were found in Isaiah 61, mainly.
So, as I'm sitting there astonished after reading Isaiah 61 and the first thing the pastor says is "You know what this story is? REDEMPTION." Ok Jesus, let the lessons begin. I just re-read Isaiah 61, and tears welled up in my eyes over the story of redemption. So much so that I'm not sure where to begin with the processes as I sat in church.
Lets start at the beginning. Restoration. "Restoration Katie? I thought we were talking about redemption?" We are, but as I sat there and the pastor almost used the two interchangeably I was challenge by the possible integration of the two.
So... I looked them up. Definition time. If you read my blog a lot you know how much I love getting to the definitions. It makes it all the more clear in my heart as I understand what is being said.
#1: Redemption:
#2: Restoration:
To me it would seem, (feel free to send me emails and comments about how I'm wrong. I certainly don't stand to be the expert on any subject. I write what I'm learning, and its open for discussion) that redemption is part of the bigger story of restoration. I have heard restoration a lot in the church and in the word. "Restoration of all things" Taking this into our context, not just of the Israelites which I mentioned in the blog post below, or the passage that is going through it in Isaiah 61, but in our lives.
God is the one who is restoring all mankind back until itself. He is returning something former. He is in the process of restitution... something that was lost or stolen. I venture to guess what was lost or stolen was our perfection in Him. Our sin was the thief. His desire is for us to return to the original state of being.
We cannot be restored without redemption. He has delivered us from our sin. He has rescued us from lives filled with it and living in emptiness. He has, and is, redeeming us.
The reason I believe its continual acts of redemption leading to our restoration is because we are not perfect until we go home. Its small victories won, with Jesus. Its us admitting ourselves to be transformed into His likeness. Its the body of Christ committing to participate in His kingdom come on earth.
"Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance. And let endurance have its perfect result, so that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing. " James 1:2-3
Trials suck. Earth can often suck. Joy doesn't mean happiness. But my prayer is that we would "keep the faith". That we would run with perseverance the race marked for us; whatever befall us.
So on this grander story of restoration, through God's redemption in us and around us (through the cross of Christ), we can partake also in His joy. Knowing He is the only One who can bring about healing, redemption, and restoration... let us hold tight to His promises. "I will never leave you nor forsake you." "I am with you always. Even to the end of the age." "I am not slow concerning my promises... but not willing that any should perish." (these might not be direct, but they're in my heart)
Friends, if you're still with me, thank you. I know its this massive "revelation" if you will in my heart, I just hope it translates to someone. One person. Continuing on...
After our suffering, even if it is one trial to the next, God will redeem us, restore us, and put us "back together" in a newer, probably better, version of ourselves. "To grant those who mourn in Zion. Giving them a garland instead of ashes, The oil of gladness instead of mourning, the mantle of praise instead of a spirit of fainting. So they will be called oaks of righteousness, the planting of the Lord, that He may be glorified." (Isaiah 61:3)
That is where I started to cry when I re-read it. Those are the promises. That is what he is doing after, and through, each trial. That is what He is doing in all mankind. He is restoring us to be better version of ourselves that we didn't know could come, or exist, unless there was suffering.
It doesn't mean live is easier, or happier, but to grasp how wide and deep is the love of God, to know His promises of Heaven by watching a dearly loved one go there, changes your life. It transforms the way you live, the way you think, the way you breath, the way you live.
In this beautiful body of Christ, I also believe God did not intend to allow our experiences with Him to only be for ourselves, but each other. Here is a nugget of truth expressed in Isaiah and in church today.
"The recipients of redemption then become the administers of it." In God's stories of redemption He uses people, each other. I posted a blog about this Every Good and Perfect Gift", the idea being that it is always God weaving this story, but He might use others to do it.
Be encouraged family. When I was 20 I would not have chosen to lose my big sister at age 21. I would not have picked this road for myself. But I know that it has brought blessings into my life that I would not have otherwise had.
I lost my sister, but I lost her to Jesus. I ache for her. I miss her like crazy. But in the same breath I am SO thankful that God uses tragedy, or suffering, in the lives of others. If I knew what the outcome was, and continues to be, and how God uses it, honestly not sure if I would choose it still. But, that doesn't matter. This is the story being written on my heart. God is using my story of redemption in the lives of others. He is using Sarah's story of redemption in the lives of others. And I know He will use your's too.
Why? For the greater restoration of all things. If you continue to read the rest of Isaiah 61 - you will see how obvious it is that God is using the people He is redeeming, to be a part of other redemption stories in the greater story of Restoration.
The beginning of ALL this, and the foundation of ALL restoration and redemption, is the cross and the resurrection of Jesus Christ. I NEVER want to discount that. It is because of that that I write these words, and know the Lord that I know.
I pray that you find these words encouraging your heart today as you go through what life has dropped on your lap.
Take heart...
Katie
Ironically (or not so because of God), today at church we talked about redemption. I'm sure many churches across the US, or perhaps the world, did as well. Why you ask? Because Common Ground has decided to walk through the liturgy of the advent season. Today's verses were found in Isaiah 61, mainly.
So, as I'm sitting there astonished after reading Isaiah 61 and the first thing the pastor says is "You know what this story is? REDEMPTION." Ok Jesus, let the lessons begin. I just re-read Isaiah 61, and tears welled up in my eyes over the story of redemption. So much so that I'm not sure where to begin with the processes as I sat in church.
Lets start at the beginning. Restoration. "Restoration Katie? I thought we were talking about redemption?" We are, but as I sat there and the pastor almost used the two interchangeably I was challenge by the possible integration of the two.
So... I looked them up. Definition time. If you read my blog a lot you know how much I love getting to the definitions. It makes it all the more clear in my heart as I understand what is being said.
#1: Redemption:
- deliverance; rescue
- atonement for guilt
- theology: deliverance from sin, salvation
#2: Restoration:
- the act of restoring; renewal, revival, or reestablishment.
- restitution of something taken away or lost
- a return of something to a former, original, normal, or unimpaired condition
To me it would seem, (feel free to send me emails and comments about how I'm wrong. I certainly don't stand to be the expert on any subject. I write what I'm learning, and its open for discussion) that redemption is part of the bigger story of restoration. I have heard restoration a lot in the church and in the word. "Restoration of all things" Taking this into our context, not just of the Israelites which I mentioned in the blog post below, or the passage that is going through it in Isaiah 61, but in our lives.
God is the one who is restoring all mankind back until itself. He is returning something former. He is in the process of restitution... something that was lost or stolen. I venture to guess what was lost or stolen was our perfection in Him. Our sin was the thief. His desire is for us to return to the original state of being.
We cannot be restored without redemption. He has delivered us from our sin. He has rescued us from lives filled with it and living in emptiness. He has, and is, redeeming us.
The reason I believe its continual acts of redemption leading to our restoration is because we are not perfect until we go home. Its small victories won, with Jesus. Its us admitting ourselves to be transformed into His likeness. Its the body of Christ committing to participate in His kingdom come on earth.
"Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance. And let endurance have its perfect result, so that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing. " James 1:2-3
Trials suck. Earth can often suck. Joy doesn't mean happiness. But my prayer is that we would "keep the faith". That we would run with perseverance the race marked for us; whatever befall us.
So on this grander story of restoration, through God's redemption in us and around us (through the cross of Christ), we can partake also in His joy. Knowing He is the only One who can bring about healing, redemption, and restoration... let us hold tight to His promises. "I will never leave you nor forsake you." "I am with you always. Even to the end of the age." "I am not slow concerning my promises... but not willing that any should perish." (these might not be direct, but they're in my heart)
Friends, if you're still with me, thank you. I know its this massive "revelation" if you will in my heart, I just hope it translates to someone. One person. Continuing on...
After our suffering, even if it is one trial to the next, God will redeem us, restore us, and put us "back together" in a newer, probably better, version of ourselves. "To grant those who mourn in Zion. Giving them a garland instead of ashes, The oil of gladness instead of mourning, the mantle of praise instead of a spirit of fainting. So they will be called oaks of righteousness, the planting of the Lord, that He may be glorified." (Isaiah 61:3)
That is where I started to cry when I re-read it. Those are the promises. That is what he is doing after, and through, each trial. That is what He is doing in all mankind. He is restoring us to be better version of ourselves that we didn't know could come, or exist, unless there was suffering.
It doesn't mean live is easier, or happier, but to grasp how wide and deep is the love of God, to know His promises of Heaven by watching a dearly loved one go there, changes your life. It transforms the way you live, the way you think, the way you breath, the way you live.
In this beautiful body of Christ, I also believe God did not intend to allow our experiences with Him to only be for ourselves, but each other. Here is a nugget of truth expressed in Isaiah and in church today.
"The recipients of redemption then become the administers of it." In God's stories of redemption He uses people, each other. I posted a blog about this Every Good and Perfect Gift", the idea being that it is always God weaving this story, but He might use others to do it.
Be encouraged family. When I was 20 I would not have chosen to lose my big sister at age 21. I would not have picked this road for myself. But I know that it has brought blessings into my life that I would not have otherwise had.
I lost my sister, but I lost her to Jesus. I ache for her. I miss her like crazy. But in the same breath I am SO thankful that God uses tragedy, or suffering, in the lives of others. If I knew what the outcome was, and continues to be, and how God uses it, honestly not sure if I would choose it still. But, that doesn't matter. This is the story being written on my heart. God is using my story of redemption in the lives of others. He is using Sarah's story of redemption in the lives of others. And I know He will use your's too.
Why? For the greater restoration of all things. If you continue to read the rest of Isaiah 61 - you will see how obvious it is that God is using the people He is redeeming, to be a part of other redemption stories in the greater story of Restoration.
The beginning of ALL this, and the foundation of ALL restoration and redemption, is the cross and the resurrection of Jesus Christ. I NEVER want to discount that. It is because of that that I write these words, and know the Lord that I know.
I pray that you find these words encouraging your heart today as you go through what life has dropped on your lap.
Take heart...
Katie
Friday, December 12, 2008
Redemption in the inbetween
Do you know any really good stories of redemption? Immediately perhaps your mind goes to the redemption of mankind; Jesus coming, living, dying, and then raising again. That is part of God's redemption story. I suppose in a nutshell (if you can put God, or His redemption story in a "nutshell") that might be it.
But as I read in Exodus these days I am blown away at God's desire for the people of Israel to remember where they've been redeemed from. Chapter after Chapter, trial after trial, "Israel, remember what I've redeemed you from!" They were in bondage in Egypt, and now they're free. They were slaves, and now they're free. God provided for them in their captivity and He continued to in their freedom. Did they complain? Yes. They would say things like "Why did you bring us into the wilderness to die? We would rather be back in Egypt. At least we ate there." WHAT? The people of Israel are requesting to be set back in the chains that God freed them from.
I dare to compare us to them. I don't believe things have changed. God did amazing things to set the Israelites free from Pharaoh and his armies. The parting of the red sea. Providing manna. The plagues. Even in love he sent the plagues so that ALL MEN (the Egyptians too) would know that He is God. After all of that, they still said "we want our chains back". You can't be serious. I split a sea, you walked on the ocean floor, I provided manna - this crazy food from heaven, I made water pour out from a rock, and I began this redemption story as I came to this dude named Moses in a burning bush, and you still don't trust Me?"
Wow. How silly, close minded, and near sighted individuals we can be. "Remember from what I've redeemed you." Friends, my admission is that as God weaves His story of redemption within my life, I get caught up in myself. I lose a thankful heart that should constantly be there if I remembered what He has redeemed me from. He freed me from bondage of sin, guilt, shame. He set me free from a life of death and self distruction. I was walking toward death, and he plucked me up, and put me on the road to life. Narrow as it may be, a road nonetheless. Now I have to walk on it.
What has He brought me to on this road? A life lived for Him; ultimately satisfying; even if it doesn't feel that way sometimes. That is my sin keeping me from experiencing the freedom right? Its me saying "God. I don't know about this. Its getting awfully hard. I kind of liked where I was a month ago." But to keep growing into this freedom, to dig deeper in my relationship wtih God, to truly be redeemed, the road I walk is narrow and hard. Not that many are on it. But oh the life it brings. Beautifully fulfilling even in the midst of suffering. Hopeful? Nothing but.
He is redeeming His people. Please... lets not forget from whence we came. He is a gracious God. He is pouring His love into you through every bite you eat, through ever friendship you have, through every gift you receive. He is telling His story of love. He did it on the cross. Even as I write that new truth hits me to share with you.
He showed His redemptive love through the cross. The cross was the very wrath of God, that we deserve - STILL, taken on by God Himself. If that isn't love, if that isn't redemption, then we have no hope of ever experiencing it. Redemption will never be without suffering. Nor will life. (really life should be the redemption) Redemption will never come without an admission that we were wrong. That we have sinned. And that we are, indeed, in need of it.
May our hearts be humbled, and our mouths rejoice, for He is, was, and will redeem us from ourselves and welcome us home one day into His eternal glorious home. I await that day my friends. But in the mean time, I will abide in the inbetween. I will rejoice in Him. He has not called me home yet, but He has called me here. To abide in God. So many are often on either side of Heaven... caught up here and not wanting to think of it OR caught up in it and not wanting to be here.
But I suggest to my often heaven-longing heart - I will allow Him to pour out His love and write a small chapter of His greater story of redemption, in me, that He is working out through all mankind.
That includes you.
But as I read in Exodus these days I am blown away at God's desire for the people of Israel to remember where they've been redeemed from. Chapter after Chapter, trial after trial, "Israel, remember what I've redeemed you from!" They were in bondage in Egypt, and now they're free. They were slaves, and now they're free. God provided for them in their captivity and He continued to in their freedom. Did they complain? Yes. They would say things like "Why did you bring us into the wilderness to die? We would rather be back in Egypt. At least we ate there." WHAT? The people of Israel are requesting to be set back in the chains that God freed them from.
I dare to compare us to them. I don't believe things have changed. God did amazing things to set the Israelites free from Pharaoh and his armies. The parting of the red sea. Providing manna. The plagues. Even in love he sent the plagues so that ALL MEN (the Egyptians too) would know that He is God. After all of that, they still said "we want our chains back". You can't be serious. I split a sea, you walked on the ocean floor, I provided manna - this crazy food from heaven, I made water pour out from a rock, and I began this redemption story as I came to this dude named Moses in a burning bush, and you still don't trust Me?"
Wow. How silly, close minded, and near sighted individuals we can be. "Remember from what I've redeemed you." Friends, my admission is that as God weaves His story of redemption within my life, I get caught up in myself. I lose a thankful heart that should constantly be there if I remembered what He has redeemed me from. He freed me from bondage of sin, guilt, shame. He set me free from a life of death and self distruction. I was walking toward death, and he plucked me up, and put me on the road to life. Narrow as it may be, a road nonetheless. Now I have to walk on it.
What has He brought me to on this road? A life lived for Him; ultimately satisfying; even if it doesn't feel that way sometimes. That is my sin keeping me from experiencing the freedom right? Its me saying "God. I don't know about this. Its getting awfully hard. I kind of liked where I was a month ago." But to keep growing into this freedom, to dig deeper in my relationship wtih God, to truly be redeemed, the road I walk is narrow and hard. Not that many are on it. But oh the life it brings. Beautifully fulfilling even in the midst of suffering. Hopeful? Nothing but.
He is redeeming His people. Please... lets not forget from whence we came. He is a gracious God. He is pouring His love into you through every bite you eat, through ever friendship you have, through every gift you receive. He is telling His story of love. He did it on the cross. Even as I write that new truth hits me to share with you.
He showed His redemptive love through the cross. The cross was the very wrath of God, that we deserve - STILL, taken on by God Himself. If that isn't love, if that isn't redemption, then we have no hope of ever experiencing it. Redemption will never be without suffering. Nor will life. (really life should be the redemption) Redemption will never come without an admission that we were wrong. That we have sinned. And that we are, indeed, in need of it.
May our hearts be humbled, and our mouths rejoice, for He is, was, and will redeem us from ourselves and welcome us home one day into His eternal glorious home. I await that day my friends. But in the mean time, I will abide in the inbetween. I will rejoice in Him. He has not called me home yet, but He has called me here. To abide in God. So many are often on either side of Heaven... caught up here and not wanting to think of it OR caught up in it and not wanting to be here.
But I suggest to my often heaven-longing heart - I will allow Him to pour out His love and write a small chapter of His greater story of redemption, in me, that He is working out through all mankind.
That includes you.
Saturday, December 06, 2008
A broken heart for another...
I don't have much to say as I am caught up on the lives in the McCracken household. (their blog) My heart is overflowing with a deep sense of the weight that exists. Tears well up in my eyes over them.
Suffering... certainly not something we wish and hope for. Certainly something that isn't easy. However, I trust that God is in the midst of it. He is loving them through it. And that the best thing for me to do is bring them before His thrown.
McCrackens... if you read this, my heart is ever with you. It is breaking for you. I will do my part in bringing you before the thrown of our Savior. May the peace of God that passes all understanding guard your hearts in minds in Christ Jesus.
Amen.
Suffering... certainly not something we wish and hope for. Certainly something that isn't easy. However, I trust that God is in the midst of it. He is loving them through it. And that the best thing for me to do is bring them before His thrown.
McCrackens... if you read this, my heart is ever with you. It is breaking for you. I will do my part in bringing you before the thrown of our Savior. May the peace of God that passes all understanding guard your hearts in minds in Christ Jesus.
Amen.
Tuesday, December 02, 2008
A lift in the downpour...
Today there has been a lift in spirits.
In the waiting much prayer took place. My dad was supposed to go into his tests today at 12:45. I called my mom every 20 or so minutes to check in. I was planning on going to hospital once my mom said he was "in", because 45 minutes later we would know the answer.
So around 1:45 he went in, and at 1:55 I headed for Noblesville's Riverview Hospital. I arrived seeing my down the hall. "They found nothing". "What?" I exclaimed. "I'll tell you in a minute."
So she got her cheeseburger and we sat down. Basically they didn't find anything. What the ER doctor thought was internal bleeding wasn't. My dad has had two bleeding ulcers in the past, and now he is battling anemia and pneumonia. So they, the new set of doctors, believe this is the reasoning for the symptoms that brought him into the ER twice in the past two weeks.
Alas, he is on a new eating regimen and iron pills for the anemia. If after the pneumonia is gone, and the anemia gets better, they'll reassess. I'm praying the reason they didn't find what they expected to is because God healed my dad. There is no doubt in my mind that is possible, and I give Him complete glory for the lift in the storm.
I raise my hands and bow my head to the Peace giver and lover of my soul. He sang a beautiful lullaby over my heart today and called me to rest there.
Thank you body of Christ for being a part of my life. Thank you for joining with me in this fight. There is no doubt there are more mountains to climb, but I am also confident of God's presence in the midst of them.
Thank you for your notes, words of encouragement, and love poured out. You are a faithful family, and for you I give Gods thanks today.
Sincerely,
Katie
ps- don't crawl in caves. That may sound silly but yesterday I shut down. I hibernated. I went into my "cave" of processing and it made things worse. I would let no one in and I certainly wasn't coming out. God was with me, but my heart was so unbearably hard I'm not even sure I was listening to the One person who was trying to get me out of there.
I am thankful for God's presence with me. I am thankful that He yanked me out of there today. Note to self: do not crawl into a cave unless you plan on bringing someone out.
In the waiting much prayer took place. My dad was supposed to go into his tests today at 12:45. I called my mom every 20 or so minutes to check in. I was planning on going to hospital once my mom said he was "in", because 45 minutes later we would know the answer.
So around 1:45 he went in, and at 1:55 I headed for Noblesville's Riverview Hospital. I arrived seeing my down the hall. "They found nothing". "What?" I exclaimed. "I'll tell you in a minute."
So she got her cheeseburger and we sat down. Basically they didn't find anything. What the ER doctor thought was internal bleeding wasn't. My dad has had two bleeding ulcers in the past, and now he is battling anemia and pneumonia. So they, the new set of doctors, believe this is the reasoning for the symptoms that brought him into the ER twice in the past two weeks.
Alas, he is on a new eating regimen and iron pills for the anemia. If after the pneumonia is gone, and the anemia gets better, they'll reassess. I'm praying the reason they didn't find what they expected to is because God healed my dad. There is no doubt in my mind that is possible, and I give Him complete glory for the lift in the storm.
I raise my hands and bow my head to the Peace giver and lover of my soul. He sang a beautiful lullaby over my heart today and called me to rest there.
Thank you body of Christ for being a part of my life. Thank you for joining with me in this fight. There is no doubt there are more mountains to climb, but I am also confident of God's presence in the midst of them.
Thank you for your notes, words of encouragement, and love poured out. You are a faithful family, and for you I give Gods thanks today.
Sincerely,
Katie
ps- don't crawl in caves. That may sound silly but yesterday I shut down. I hibernated. I went into my "cave" of processing and it made things worse. I would let no one in and I certainly wasn't coming out. God was with me, but my heart was so unbearably hard I'm not even sure I was listening to the One person who was trying to get me out of there.
I am thankful for God's presence with me. I am thankful that He yanked me out of there today. Note to self: do not crawl into a cave unless you plan on bringing someone out.
Monday, December 01, 2008
A storm...
Yesterday my family had our Thanksgiving. [Thursday we got together. It was pretty ok. Nice to be at Annas. I ran a race that morning which was fun & wicked cold. But that is a different blog for another time]
As we watched the Colts barely win, and then the Hoosiers struggle for a victory, the mood at my parents was mediocre. Laura brought up how cute it would be for all of us to wear our Colts jerseys for a Christmas card. Quickly a response comes, “what would we say?”, and in that Umbaugh sarcasm, “We are having the happiest of holidays.” Anna chimes in “Pray for us!” I mention creating something like a prayer card… (Jokingly) “Here is a list of things you can pray for us about.”
This isn’t a “poor us” email, or a request or plea for you to feel bad for us. It is simply recognition of the storm that isn’t coming, but has arrived. The storm began in 2004 when my sister was diagnosed with cancer and the hits just haven’t stopped coming. Mixed in the last 4 years have been times of immense pain and extreme joy. Currently we are in one of the more painful times of life as God works His plans in and through us.
My family is one of faith, but we are never void of emotion. My grandpa, my dad’s dad, went to Heaven in October of this year. If you’re new to this blog, which is doubtful, there is a post or two about him back in October. Check it out.
Anyway, three weeks prior it was a waiting game of ups and downs. My dad stayed in Plymouth (Indiana, not Rock) the majority of the time. His time consisted of sleeping on the floor of the nursing home, with his dad in bed and my grandma in the recliner. He didn’t get much sleep those three weeks, and as always in death, it often doesn’t hit you until after the fact. It has been hitting my dad for weeks now. Along with his heart and blood flow. My dad is having tests tomorrow, Tuesday, to see whats going on in him. We know there is internal bleeding, but the cause is uncertain. I know I just wrote about this but frankly its hitting me harder than I’ve recognized.
We could find out a lot or a little. It could be anywhere from cancer to an ulcer. We are hoping for the later, but certainly won’t know until tomorrow. If there is a “cancer possibility” there will be more tests to be had.
As with anything, this does not just wear on the person going through it, but it wears on those they love and who love them. This is certainly wearing on my family, and more specifically my mom. I did not get permission to post this blog, or write about them, but I trust the eyes that fall on this blog will lift them up in prayer. I trust that those of who you stumbled on my blog will be challenged to pray. (even if you aren’t used to it)
My mom has shown more bravery and strength in the last 2 months than I have ever seen in her. It has been a beautiful experience for me to watch as she would “rise to the challenge” to take care of my dad the way she is. For my parents…each individual is in desperate need of strength and peace. They are both squeezed to the pulp. Tuesday could mean a lot of things, and I pray out of God’s grace that it would mean a quick fix, health for my dad, and ultimately joy for my family.
But alas, if it does mean more testing, if it does mean cancer, we will stare at it straight in the face and say “we will not let you take us down. God has the victory be it in this life or the next.” My family knows that truth, and we will rest in that truth once again. (if that is indeed where this is going) We will take life one day at a time as we’ve done for the last 4 years.
I am not ignoring God’s graces in storms, or His immense love for me. Job poured out his heart in his angst and heartache, and I am doing the same. I will remain faithful to my God, for His love for me, and my family, stretches beyond my comprehension.
He is faithful, even in sickness, and even in my sin. And so I will be faithful to Him, even in the face of trials, and my parents suffering. I don’t discount this is “my suffering” too, but I wish I could take it from them; the hurt, the grief, the pain, the illness. However, that is my Dad’s cross to bear, and my mom’s cross to bear. My cross is suffering along side them. I will pick it up, and I will follow Him.
There are other things that are happening in my life as an individual that aren’t cultivating peace. However, the One who offers me peace is always with me.
“Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there. If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast. If I say, "Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me," even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you.”
I am challenged to seek Him first. It makes sense why the word says “But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.” Oddly enough, it comes from Matthew 6, in the ever famous passage of scripture about not worrying.
I do think, beyond food and clothing, God promises something else. I never thought that the things that would be “added” are peace, joy, comfort, wisdom… I just HAVE to put my trust, and turn my outcries to God before others. I must seek first His kingdom. My desire must be His. “God, to YOU be the glory in this seeming mess … and whatever that means it means.” “God YOUR will be done.”
As my eyes grow weary of watching my family’s suffering, as I grow tired of seeing my Daddy, the man in my life, hurt so deeply, I cry out to God for healing. I ask that you would please join with me in this.
I thank God for the words of wisdom my beautiful friend Amanda, out poured to me last night in a text message. As I reflect on her words, as I read again her love expressed here, it hits me “This is the body. This is the community I long for and am now experiencing. Praise God!” These words brought tears to my eyes…
“The word compassion comes from the roots that mean literally to ‘suffer with’; to show compassion means sharing in the suffering ‘passion’ of another. To live with compassion means to enter others dark moments. It is to walk into places of pain, not to flinch or look away when another agonizes. It means to stay where people suffer. You, my friend, are compassionate to me and to your friends you mentioned on your blog. I am honored to call you friend. I promise to be that for you as I pray for you and all of the things that make your heart heavy right now. Love you lots.”
She also gave me this verse on Sunday: (James 5:16b-18)
“The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective. Elijah was a man just like us. He prayed earnestly that it would not rain, and it did not rain on the land for three and a half years. Again he prayed, and the heavens gave rain, and the earth produced its crops.”
You are the righteous ones. Thank you for being a part of my life by reading this blog. Even if this is your first time or your last, thank you for being faithful in reading, keeping up, and praying for my friends and family that I mention. Thank you for praying for me.
As I sit here, reflecting on what my heart has poured out to you, Sara Groves song “What I thought I wanted” popped on, and these words sang over my agitation.
I keep wanting you to be fair
But that’s not what you said
I want certain answers to these prayers
But that’s not what you said
When I get to heaven I’m gonna go find Job
I want to ask a few hard questions, I want to know what he knows
About what it is he wanted and what he got instead
How to be broken and faithful
What I thought I wanted...
Staring in the water like Esops foolish dog
I can’t help but reflect on what it was I almost lost
What it was I wanted, what I got instead
Leaves me broken and grateful
I’m broken and grateful
I want to be broken and grateful
I want to be broken, peaceful, faithful, grateful, grateful
I stand (or rather sit) here broken and praying. I am grateful for God, His sovereignty, His goodness, His faithfulness, and His love bestowed on my family and me…just needing the prayers of the saints.
Thank you.
Katie
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
