Prayer request turns to a vent...

Well friends, there have been a few times I've tried to begin to write you. I wanted to begin to describe the sweetness that is my time in Exodus these days. Yes there are some days where I've been more "into it", but all together God is teaching me a lot about Himself; even showing me the consistencies of His personality (however debated it may be between the new and old Testament)

For example... here is a snippet of what I began 2 weeks ago:
My time in Exodus has been so sweet lately. Just a side note as God told Moses who He was this morning. As I look at the sun out the window I remember His words... (and Moses' immediate response... He "made haste"...)

Then the LORD passed by in front of him and proclaimed, "The LORD, the LORD God, compassionate and gracious, slow to anger, and abounding in lovingkindness and truth;

who keeps lovingkindness for thousands, who forgives iniquity, transgression and sin'; ... Moses made haste to bow low toward the earth and worship."

Moses made haste to bow low toward the earth and worship. My friend has imparted to me her desire in the urgency of living for Christ. What are we waiting for?

Anyway, so you see where I was going with that one. I guess I wanted to bring something before you, yet again. Amidst the praises and sorrows of 2008, hopes are high for 2009. God is doing a lot in my heart and life (which I will divulge in future posts) but for now I will tell you about my dad.

Surely it will end up being "nothing" as they say, or at least "treatable". However, even in the optimism of those around me, and even the optimism in my dad, my spirits just kind of "sunk" today as I went and hung out with him in the hospital room at lunch.

We watched the inauguration together. Certainly a moment in history that will not be forgotten. I don't care if you are a democrat or a republican; a conservative or a liberal; or a little bit of both. (frankly I don't care what I am either) What I appreciated today was the redemption I saw in America. This is a post for another time... but seriously, equality for all mankind... the symbolism was quite beautiful.

Moving along with my dad...We had a big family lunch on Sunday. Kind of a last minute thing at my parents, and Dad didn't seem to be doing well. I think he was discouraged by the lack of wellness he is experiencing, even though he has been working his butt off to change the course his body was taking. (reference last November) Anyway, he is undergoing a lot of tests right now. They have gone back and forth with the diagnosis; certainly God is in the waiting. Its something with his heart. There is a mass amount of fluid in his legs. He is just not that well & has quite a few symptoms. So they need to find the original issue and that would (ideally) solve the rest.

Frankly, I'm just discouraged. Truly shouldn't be. I need to be trusting in the Almighty. I can feel myself crawling into that cave I've mentioned before... and what I told myself, and you (my blog), is this...

don't crawl in caves. That may sound silly but yesterday I shut down. I hibernated. I went into my "cave" of processing and it made things worse. I would let no one in and I certainly wasn't coming out. God was with me, but my heart was so unbearably hard I'm not even sure I was listening to the One person who was trying to get me out of there.

I am thankful for God's presence with me. I am thankful that He yanked me out of there today. Note to self: do not crawl into a cave unless you plan on bringing someone out.

Guys, my cave is seeming more appealing. I am hating the fact my dad is in the hospital. And I don't want to hear it will be ok, and I don't want to hear that they don't know... I want him to be better. And that is the fact. It makes it hard to work. It makes it hard to carry on conversations. This amidst a lot of other things going on. There are decisions to be made. There are answers to seek. And its as if crisis comes in my path every time I'm faced with decisions.

I apologize for the vent session. I prayed this morning as I spent time in the word that I would be a joy giver, not a joy taker.

Moses' face shone among the Israelites because of His time with God. Seriously! What a testimony. It shown so brightly that he had to veil it until he went to meet with God the next time. That is what I wanted to be today to the world, to my family, to my friends.

I fear that I have taken joy today. I desire to love others so well; granted I wasn't awful to any one, I'm not writhing in guilt tonight. However, in the midst of my dad's suffering, our waiting, I'm sure I could have been more kind, loving, patient, and gentle.

Even as I write this my heart is feeling a little more convicted about it, and God is speaking words of love over me.

"Katie... I love you. I know you. I created you. I fashioned you together for My purposes. I will never leave you nor forsake you. You are Mine."

These are words of truth... God hear my plea... break the glass, the ice, that is laid on my heart tonight. I pray the tears that so desperately want to pour out of my soul would come like a flood and land at your feet... or rather in your jar. If it is strength and not pride or sin that is holding me together like this, may I feel like, recognize it, and give you praise for it. But God - if it is sin in me, break me. Break my heart.

That is me in the flesh my friends. That is me tonight. I guess I would ask for prayer for my dad, and his health and spirits. My mom in her trust in God and her spirits. My sisters. My brothers. And me. I would ask for your prayer as I desire to seek God's face, God's will, and God's desire for me. I desire His rest. It is so obvious that God is tying together His truths in Exodus for my weary heart today:

MOSES - "Now therefore, I pray You, if I have found favor in Your sight, let me know Your ways that I may know You, so that I may find favor in Your sight. Consider too, that this nation is Your people."

GOD- "My presence shall go with you, and I will give you rest."

"Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy laden, and I will give you rest."

That truth is available to all... for dad, for me, for you.

A friend gave me this today... praying these words sink into my heart with more truth than they did today. I pray that I wake up with these sung over me and that it would change the way I live my day, the way my heart feels, and the focus I have... may these words ring true for me:

Do you not know? Have you not heard? The Everlasting God, the LORD, the Creator of the ends of the earth does not become weary or tired. His understanding is inscruitable. He gives strength to the weary, and to him who lacks strength, He increases power. Though youths grow weary and tired, and vigorous young men stumble badly, yet those who wait on the LORD will gain new strength; they will mount up with wings like eagles, they will run and not get tired, they will walk and not become weary. (Isaiah 40:28-31)

So this was more of a vent session. Thank you for walking along side me in this journey. In my ups, and my downs. I pray that you find rest in God tonight. May His song of peace sing over you.

In Christ I find my rest,
Katie

PS- thank you for being here. I considered editing this blog post because by the time I got to the end of it, my spirit was lifted. God uses my times here to bring me before the cross again and rest. I am there once again. But it doesn't do any good for you to read a dishonest post. This is me tonight. These were my emotions and feelings as I processed. And I ended up on the side of God's grace once again. Praise God for that. I would hate to remain where I was....