Wednesday, September 27, 2006

The longing...

This is a journal entry I wrote as I read Craig's latest update. Today will be the day I say "goodbye" to a house full of memories. I will walk in a room where I lived for 13 years. Memories will pass through like lightening. I will go to the once famous basement, and see the parties, slumber parties, and movie nights flash through my mind. I'll sit in the family room, on the fireplace, and remember so many christmas's gone by. Envisioning our presents all around the room & the placement of Sarah, Anna, Laura, Lydia, and myself. Knowing where dad always set up the camera, mom always cooking breakfast, and the occasional grandparents sitting on the couch. I'll walk into the kitchen, sit on the counter, and remember tried but royally failed dinners. I'll remember burnt cookies, "hankie pankies", and Sarah's wonderful homemade pizzas. I'll walk through the backyard and remember pool parties, hot tub nights, and sometimes hard conversations had. Then the stinging reality of being in the house where Sarah last lived will hit me. I'll stand in the kitchen by the oven and remember when I found out Sarah had a tumor; and I'll remember how at that very moment I knew it wouldn't be long. I'll see her how she laid in the family room with her leg up constantly crying because of pain. But at the very same moment I'll recall the tender moments of dancing and singing. I'll remember making her smile with my karaoke skills, improve dance moves, and general "attention getters". I remember how she was my number one fan. I'll remember how she was a gift that I got to have for 21 years. I'll remember her laugh, her smile, her hug, her dance, her voice... I'll remember her. All other worries will pass me by. Simplicity will come, and I will again long for the life after this one. I'll long for eternity. I'll long to see Sarah. I'll long for Jesus.

Journal Entry:
As I sit and read reports from Nairobi, tears fill my eyes. I have a silent longing to return to that great big, dangerous city… full of looks, stares, and almost a constant fear of my safety. After reading a friends journal entries, I heard about children getting sponsored, friends getting attacked, and the general poverty of Kenya. There is an indescribable ache; in which I can not define. I search for words or explanations but there is an outpouring of my heart in the tears that fall which have no words at all. If I were to try and pray about how I’m feeling nothing would come; the Spirit would have to intercede. Yes I miss my friends, I miss the culture, but its more than that. As I sit icing my tendonitis stricken knee I find myself wondering, “what I am doing”. God has blessed me with working at the number one network in the nation- Verizon Wireless. I have great benefits, a free cell phone, but there is so much more to do. I want to move at His impulse. I want to be intimately involved with the plans of the Father. I desire so much for the people of Kenya. I desire so much for my own life… to be married, to have children, but above and beyond that to be completely and utterly filled with Jesus. I want to hear Him, speak to Him, and know His movements. Caught in sinful flesh but tied to the Holy Spirit, I am in a world where I’m desperately trying to break free of myself. I’m trying to break free of the pressures and expectations put on me by the world, and even Christian society as a whole. Where do I fit? The answer certainly won’t come from a billboard, commercial, or job. It won’t come to me in the form of a brochure or a paycheck. I am an alien to this world, and the idea of feeling comfortable has begun to leave my mind. I’m not made for here. Yes God has me here for a reason and I seek to live out this life fully until His will for my life is accomplished. But I was simply made for Him, and my home… it just isn’t here. Perhaps living in Kenya gave me a wider glimpse of who God is. It let me see a little more in the Kingdom of God. After writing this I suppose, tears come when reading about Kenya because I want to go home. Not to Kenya, 1425 Stonemill circle Carmel, IN, and not to the US. But not to give up on this life, or quit, or because I hate it here…. But simply because all things will be made perfect, and oh how I long for HIS perfection.

Saturday, September 16, 2006

weddings & transitions

Hello blog readers. I realize it has been a hot minute since I’ve written you, and I apologize for that one. But honestly, I’m just trying to figure out my life. Through out the effort to sort myself I’ve realized it isn’t me who will be doing the “sorting”. (The answer is that God will) So right now I have found myself working at a store for Verizon Wireless. It is a great company to work for, but I’m still searching God to know what’s next. I don’t know that I will be there for a long while, but for now its God’s provision in my life and for that I’m thankful.

Ya know what? I have found that transitions aren’t always easy. The next steps are usually great but getting there can be a bit difficult. There are many things that are catching up to me and I haven’t allowed myself to be “sad” about, or miss. My sister Sarah, my friends and family in Kenya, moving from a home I’ve known for 13 years… just to name a few. I’m not asking for pity, but simply telling you what I’m learning. There was a recent diagnosis of tendonitis in my knee, and that has been a bit painful to stand for 8 hours of the day. I don’t know guys… I’m searching for answers, wondering what to do. I miss the 8-5, I miss college, but at this moment those are in the past and for now, this is what God has. Not to minimize because there are many joys.

OH weddings… I am writing while in IL headed back home from a wedding of an old friend (Carrie Barkyoumb) in KS. That was great. Last weekend I attended the late Tricia Callahan’s wedding (she is now Tricia Ray). That was lovely as well. It has been a blessing to see the miracle and blessing that marriage is. For God to unite two people together and that they love each other to commit for life. WOW! Someday, right?

I also LOVE where I’m living, and I love my time with Jesus. He is so good and is speaking to me.

So…that’s me in a nutshell; working for benefits (health that is) & bills, listening to God speak to me, and icing my knee continually. Lovely times. Let me know if God speaks to you about direction for me, and please keep in touch. I love you guys. And I truly pray that your ears are opened and that you take time to hear Him speak to you (not about me); because He is, but we usually just don’t stop to listen.