The Return of Humanity

I suppose feeling human isn't all that bad. Sure in the moment it hurts beyond what you can comprehend. One click, one word, one distraction, can send it all down the tubes. You think "I can't believe I did this.... oh wait, yes I can". Question - what gets us to the point that we think we're fine?

Today, at work, I made a mistake. Sure... minor in the "grand scheme of things", but at work -today- it was a big thing, for three employees at MediaSauce. I went from feeling niko sawa (I am fine - in Swahili), to humbled and crying. As I sit up late processing the day, it reminds of my life spiritually. Isn't that the way things happen? We thing we are on cruise control, and then we are humbled and we fall flat on our face. We are reminded we aren't perfect, we mess up, we sin, and there will always be another thing we wish we hadn't done. But at the end of the day, and even in the middle of it, there is grace.

Today I made a mistake. One that could have been big. If it rippled out I'm not sure how I would have handled it, but I know it wouldn't have killed me. This was one day. One day in the many days that make up this glimpse in which I call a "life". What could have been huge, by the grace of God, there was understanding and forgiveness; there was hope and a future. There was God. He was in the middle of it; in my tears, in my failure, in my humanity. He saved me. Big time.

I wouldn't say I was ready for this day. I wouldn't say that I would have ever asked for it. But what I will say is that I'm thankful for it. 11 hours later, I am thankful that I saw my humanity and saw, once again, my deep need for God's grace. It just makes my relationship with Him that much sweeter.

I pray that today you are aware of the grace that God is offering you. When you "screw up", or make a mistake, He is waiting for you to let Him save you from it. Surrender. Obey. LIVE.

Inescapably human and saved by grace,

Katie

Quicksand

What draws us to live in a state of discontentment? What does it begin with? Does it begin on a day that you can never crawl out of? Is it from something you did, that hurt another, and despite their forgiveness you chose to live in your guilt? Does it come from your past… things you’ve done, thought, or regretted that you can not get over?

For me, I think it started with a bad day, and then led me to the rest of the list. That has been my month. If you have been around me you probably watched me decrease into utter misery. Sure, I continued on as if nothing was wrong, but there was an underlying unhappiness about it. It was as if the joy and life had been sucked out of my like a vacuum. I couldn’t work. I couldn’t think. I couldn’t sleep; yet I was always tired. I allowed the worries of the day, month, year, and lifetime to consume me. I was in a rut. A pit. To me, what it felt like was quicksand.

When one is sinking in quicksand they lose their breath. They aren’t thinking of how to get out, but all they can think about is the fact they can’t breath, which sends them into more worry and disdain. So what can pull you out of something like quicksand? When you are sinking in your own misery, guilt, sadness, and anger, what is the life rope that you grab a hold to? (scene from Princess Bride) Actually, if you are the princess you aren’t the one grabbing the rope are you? No. Someone dives in the quicksand, holding the rope, and pulls you out.

When you both arrive on top you are exhausted, yes, and my biggest annoyance in that movie is when she is coughing back up in the sand. But she is so desperate for air. The sand is my misery. Westley is Jesus. (not a close comparison… but I do what I can)

So after this long, unintended, movie analogy, my point is I am coming out of the quicksand. Sure, I am still lying down, coughing it all up, but something has been restored. My dear friend Lindsay Helmbock asked me the question “what gives you life”? I couldn’t really answer. One thing I knew I loved to do, that I can do, is wake up around sunrise, sit outside with a cup of chai, and read the Bible. It’s different than reading it on my bed, or at the kitchen table. God meets me in His nature. He speaks to me. I find my rest in His creation. This week, yesterday, I did just that. It changed my entire day. You won’t get out of the quicksand if you aren’t willing and want to stay there. But I was ready to be rescued. Sure, there are things I am still thinking about, wrestling through, but my life on a daily basis is better now that I’m on the earth’s ground. Breathing.

My pastor said once “The opposite of discontentment is thankfulness”. The change began with being thankful. Whether I truly was or not, I need to thank Him, and through that I am being changed.

My life hasn’t changed. In fact, not one aspect is different. All the things that annoyed me before are still present. I have a lot of questions and unknowns, but life as I know it is not over. This is where I am. In Carmel Indiana. Working at MediaSauce. 24 years old. Living in Broadripple. Going to Common Ground. And I…I am ok with that. Because I know that is where God has me.

I miss Him...

Today I went to the Indy 500. I spent the night at a friends house, where we woke up at 4am, to leave at 4:30, to arrive at 6, to tailgate ALL DAY LONG. It was quite the excursion. Needless to say there wasn't a whole of of "Katie time". It was a good day though over all. A lot of rain and a lot of hanging out and grilling out. I enjoyed running into some familiar faces, hearing the loud rush of the cars, and the time spent with friends. But when I returned home it was funny....not "ha ha" funny, but I guess ironic funny, or the kind of funny that makes you think.

I arrived home around 8:30pm, and all I wanted to do was take a shower. Nice alone time. I hadn't really spent quality time with the Lord all day, and to be honest I still really haven't. But I had the greatest shower. That might catch you off guard, but I put on cd by this worship guy from NYC. His cd is entitled "Alone with You". When I listened to it, it was like returning home. Sure I prayed some through out the day, I was aware at times that Jesus was with me, but it was like there was an unknown ache that was restless about me all day and when I got home, to the quiet, to the stillness of this house, He was here. I was finally "Alone with Him".

This might be strange, I guess, but on a daily basis I don't find (notice) myself in that much need of Him (although I am); and not just to pray, but to worship, to read, and to fellowship with those who believe the same. To talk about Him, and how amazing He is, what He has done for us, and the amazing grace to which He has bestowed upon me. The least of these. I was in awe today. I miss my God. I miss everything about Him. I miss the love I feel when I'm with him. I miss the warmth of His presence. I miss the freedom I feel. The forgiveness I feel. Sure these things don't go away, but it was made apparent to me that I have chosen to not live in these things.

Anyway... this was a long blog. I'm not sure if any one reads this any more. But if you do, thank you. And if it is just me, it is the best therapy I could ask for. To be completely honest. To be completely vulnerable. To be human in front of no one, but possibly millions. I never thought I would say it, but I love to blog.

I hope you are enjoying your holiday weekend. I hope you find rest where ever you are. I pray that we will all by the power of God, live in the life He has designed for us.

Joyfully His,
Katie

random thought flow... hang on. its always a crazy ride

Well here I am on a Friday night, at home, alone. You know you’re bored when you find out the event of the night, making friendship bread, in fact isn’t supposed to be made until tomorrow. What could I do? I could watch a movie, but nothing sounds good. I could bake, but I have to bake tomorrow. I could play on facebook… that never lasts long. I could figure out how to use myspace, useless. I could re-watch a slideshow of pictures from the MediaSauce flag football game that I’ve watched twice… consider my attention span gone. I could go out to a friend’s, but I’m really tired. Of course there is always the option of going to sleep, but seeing how it’s Friday night something in me keeps pushing me on to a later hour.

I finished my book tonight, “An Echo in the Darkness”, by Francine Rivers. It was the second in the Mark of the Lion series. It was one of those books that you just wait for a free moment to pick up and read. The first book, “A Voice in the Wind” was the same. Phenomenal reads, and I would recommend everyone (even the males) to pick them up. It speaks of Rome about 40 years after Jesus died & was risen. It talks about the holocaust that happened in Jerusalem, and gives you a clear picture of what Rome looked like then. As I approached remarkable turns, being 2 chapters away from the end I contemplated not finishing. Not that I wouldn’t finish it, but it was so good, full of such truth, I didn’t want it to end. Interestingly enough, I tried to watch tv, call friends, but nothing quite satisfied me as when I finished. I took about 20 minutes and read the last 15 pages of a great novel. I’m glad it ended because it ended perfectly. Perhaps not in the “human” eyes, or a chick flick, but wow was it good. And so I find myself restless, bored, and thinking on this Friday night.

I turn to think of things like jobs, relationships, life in general. Its fleeting isn’t it? I mean jobs come and go, relationships may only last for week, and life can go in a flash. I am amazing at the people God bring in and out of my life. Looking back all I hope is that I was used. When you’ve met someone, you don’t the reason, you don’t know how long it will last, and as I write this I am unsure as to what God has in it…. But I can walk confidently that I’ve spoken the truth. I hid nothing. I was honest. And we’ll see what God does.

What can be hard sometimes is that you have such a deep longing for something more. In my case, I truly believe that God, Jesus, Holy Spirit, Heaven is that longing…. I long to be “home”. As you grapple with keeping an eternal perspective, yet knowing tomorrow is another day, how do we approach it? I realize this is a lot of endless thought… but truly, knowing I am called to something so much greater than I’m living for how do you deal with that? How do I make a difference where I am now? How do I not become restless in every area of my life? Truth be told sometimes I feel like my life would make a bigger difference if I went back to Kenya, or I was off fighting for good causes. But as I think about it I am in the same war missionaries are in. I am in the same war followers are in doctor’s offices, schools, restaurants, cubicles….

I long to be different. I long to make a difference. I desire to leave none of me, but the reminisce of Jesus. I want to touch, and feel, and leave, a taste of something more in people’s lives so they are no longer satisfied with this life. I want to know the voice of Jesus, and I desire others to know that same Voice. I pray that we would listen. I pray that we would open our ears to hear the Voice of God echo in the darkness. For he is there, He hears us, He is speaking…. We just need to quiet ourselves to hear Him speak over us songs of hope, forgiveness, love, and satisfaction. It is only in His presence that I have peace, and I can rest.

I have no idea where you are, but know that you are not alone. This race isn’t an easy one. Hang in there. There are others standing with you, there are angels standing by, and there is One speaking to you the words you need so desperately to hear.

Learning from Relationships

As I was driving home today from northern Indiana I was thinking. There have been some pretty interesting relationships I’ve had through out life thus far. Not just relationships with guys, but relationships in general. Whether it was a bad experience, ending on a sad note, or an absolutely wonderful relationship (not with out hard times) that quite possibly hasn’t ended…. There is always something to learn.

In my reflecting I wanted to choose what I learned from relationships. Dig deep and see where I “dropped the ball”, or rather, where it is just a lesson learned… Because we are not perfect, nor will we ever be. We will be hurt, and we will inflict the hurt. We will cry, and we will be the cause of another’s tears. We will laugh, and perhaps be the source of another’s laughter. But there is always something to learn, and always something to take away.

As God’s sweet voice sang over me, on His day where He conquered death, He reminded me that what is in the past is there for a reason. All choices were made whether we regret them or not. And that He has a good, pleasing, and perfect will unfolding in my life. So, I am taking a look back to see how I can grow for relationships to come:

Trust more
Take leaps of faith
Be spontaneous
Be honest
Don’t hold back so much that you lose out
Risk
Dare
Sacrifice
Understand
Be patient
Stop being so dang rigid
Have faith
Think- but not too much
Really see the other person
Have no expectations
Don’t judge
Have fun
Let go

And the list goes on, and on, and on….

Hurt feelings & new chapters

Have you ever gotten your feelings hurt? I'm sure you have, as I would venture to say most human beings have. I know the phrase "you hurt my feelings" is often overused, but in my case it isn't used often. I suppose I have a hard time saying "you hurt my feelings" because it gets to the essence of me. I don't like being so vulnerable as to say that someone hurt my feelings because that would mean saying that person, or situation, does mean something to me. It isn't a relationship I just blow off, or an evening I will forget about. I am a prideful person and as such saying my feelings were hurt seems a weakness to me. But in reality it isn't.

Yesterday my feelings were hurt. Perhaps unintentionally, but noticeable. They made no effort to remedy the situation but in spite of their lack of effort I tried to put my best foot forward. In turn, a slap in the face. No returned phone call or even a hint of an apology. I suppose when someone knows you're mad they avoid, and when you finally have the conversation it might indeed appear you had no just cause for the anger but in the moment you desired nothing else but to run away and let that person know you didn't need them.

Yes this is just my friend who I am talking about, but in anticipation of a soon reunion I wonder about a conversation, how I will act, what I will say. And I had come to the conclusion that yes my feelings were hurt. I don't like to say it or admit it, but it is the truth. Maybe when this person hears it from me, or another source, they'll think I'm crazy. But guys... the truth is I was given a heart to care, to love, etc., and I can't help it that that is how it made me feel.

When this reunion, of sorts, happens I just pray that however I act, whatever I say, I will walk in truth. I won't hide behind a smile, I won't stomp around in anger, but just simply that all that I do or say will be the truth. No games.

I don't know why I felt compelled to tell you this. But if for nothing else, its ok that people hurt your feelings...it happens to everyone. But what will you do when you realize they've been hurt? How will you react? Will you extend grace even when its not asked for? Will you show love when perhaps there is hate? Will you thrive in patience when you are awaiting God's will to unfold? I suppose this goes with anything. "The fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, & self-control." Let's keep each other accountable a be different. Surrender to the Holy Spirit living inside of us for Him to make the right decisions in our lives- not our sinful nature.



I had been waiting to blog again as I realized it had been a while. These are fresh thoughts off the brain of Katie Umbaugh. Life is going pretty well otherwise. I'm in the midst of wild transitions and adaptations. I have a new job, which is amazing and I'm continually humbled in how much I have to learn daily. I moved south to Broadripple with two amazing roommates. (picture above is us walking around on a "snow day". Everything was closed!) Those are the main updates. Thank you for reading. Thank you for caring. I pray that you are found today in the presence of the Almighty and comforted by His grace.

xoxo,
Katie

Bear vs Colt

***Taken right after the interception that got us the AFC Championship!!!***

In an effort to create craziness, there is a little bet going on... PLEASE go online to vote for Bear vs Colt.

http://www.bearvscolt.com/

Romance

Romance.... Its what every girl wants, every guy tries to give, and what we long for. Tonight it hit me as I was driving home on this cold winter night. You're probably wondering what hit me but let me first explain to you what I experienced. I went to Anna's to help assemble programs for Lydia's upcoming wedding, when I noticed the sky. Clear as day & so many stars (for the north side of Indianapolis). Beautiful. Then when I left Anna's I was going further away from the city out to where I live... darn near country if you ask me. But man it was gorgeous. I took a back route by the beautiful hidden houses away from the cookie cutter neighborhoods. The stars struck me again as I worshipped. I drove by a house that still had Christmas lights up & I longed for that time of year and could almost feel Christmas again.

Then I thought of what spring brings & somehow I always equate seasons with different types of romances. Summer is warm nights, swinging on swings, & looking at stars; fall is bon fires & hot chocolate; winter is fire places, movies, & cuddling up; spring... rainy nights, spring break, new life. Then I thought WOW! All the ways I'm romanced all year long aren't by any man.... but God. Ya'll HE ROMANCES US! It was so clear to tonight, just like the sky, that He draws me close to Him by romancing me. It was the most beautiful thought & moment. I had to share it with you.

I just remembered that I had a similar moment when I was in Kenya. I was at "coast camp"- at the beach with a bunch of 17-25 yr. olds. It was at sunrise as I was doing my devos on the beach....

"As I sit here, look at the vast ocean, the clouds that seem to be sitting gently on the waters You are romancing me. This very moment was designed for me. Thank you God. Thank you for this absolutely beautiful day."

Let God romance you & open Your eyes to all the ways that He is doing it.

Lovingly HIS,
kt

ps - here is a picture of what I was looking at in Kenya!

your africa...

I was feeling reflective tonight. A lot on my mind & heart as I watch the hand of God mold me. Life is deep in thought right now & I feel like I am on the brink of something new again. I anticipate what God is going to do, but yet, you just never know what is about to happen.

Well in my reflective mode I was going through old writings of my on this computer. I found some things in my "overseas" prayers file folder. I wanted to share this one with you. I was written on the 18th of April, 2006.

What is Your Africa?

"In my desire to become independent I’ve become dependant

In an effort to expand my mind, I realize how small my mind truly is

Knowing that pain produces perseverance, I acknowledge that I truly don’t want to face it

Coming with the excitement to be separate from my family, I realize how deeply in love with them I am.

Thinking, perhaps unconsciously, just coming was enough, I’ve learned it takes much more than one act of faith…

It takes
a daily dying to yourself
A daily commitment to The Almighty God
Expectation for His presence
Willingness to be used, broken, transparent, & healed

In thinking my desires to work outside of the slums was somehow un-noble, I’ve learned that it doesn’t define me, how big my heart is, and that what God has given me, the desires specifically, are God given & that each person possesses the desires & that in them will most glorify God. I didn’t have to go to a slum to learn that.

I’ve learned that everyone needs their “trip to Africa”. You don’t have to go to Kenya, or Africa to have it. It’s just taking time away; time away from the familiar faces, places, & things. It means taking a dive into the unknown; unable to trust any one or anything BUT God. Learning its quite enough for the God of the universe for you to be who you are, and that it could be just that much for a man on earth. It means taking moments to just breathe & realize “I am actually here. Doing it. Living it. Being here.” A trip to Africa doesn’t have to take place in Africa, but indeed it must take place. To learn who you are & whose you are. Africa is where I found myself. What is your Africa? "


thats it. that was a journal entry I wrote within the 120, and some odd, days I was Kenya. I hope that you have a wonderful & safe new years.

love, me

thoughts...

I suppose I haven't come with eloquent words tonight. I don't have a profound realization to share with you. As someone posted a comment on here I realized it had been a while since I last posted. So has I sit here on this wonderful December eve, I was thinking of my lovely blog readers & wanted to chat.

So, recently, as in the last hour, I returned from one of the most beautiful weddings I have ever had the blessing to attend. Everything seemed so wonderful. The church was beautifully decorated for Christmas, and the reception, wow... white chair covers with red velvet bows; center pieces of white roses, and everyone dolled up to the nines. It was gorgeous. I ceremony was what tipped it off to me. Many of you might know who the groom was, Mr. Lamont King Black; an amazing man of God & friend, who has impacted not only my life but I know many others. Anyway, he is 33. He met his WIFE, Tyler, last April. As of late I've been attending weddings, where the average age is 22-24. When I was 18 I felt like that was the perfect age, but now that I'm 23 I see beyond this time. Not that there is ANYTHING wrong with getting married in your early twenties, but Monty's wedding had a profound beauty in which I had yet to see. He waited 33 years. Yes he dated other girls, pursued others that didn't work out, but then he found Tyler. Perfect for him in every way. But that isn't what made it so beautiful. He is 33 you guys. SO often I think how old I am getting for not even dating someone, and here is one of the most amazing guys ever and he just got married. When they repeated their vows, they stared into each others eyes, and with intent and true commitment, they promised. Monty first, nodding his head, so Tyler knew he meant every word. Taking her time and fighting through tears Tyler shared her intentions for the rest of their lives. They thought through, shared and committed before each other, God, and the 300 audience members, that there is and will never be another human for each other; Astounding and such a gift. The wedding was at ECC & the reception in Alumni Hall.

Other than that, just chugging along. Verizon is ok... we're going through our ups and downs & I can confidently say I feel a part of their family. Through all the times I've desired to leave God has kept me there. He is growing me & I am now at a point where I would be thrilled if another door opened for me to walk through, but if not, I am there to love the people I'm with and I intend to be a presence in their lives. No boyfriends to update you on, not too many changes. Dad had a huge ankle surgery but is recovering pretty well. Lydia is swamped with wedding stuff as the day rapidly approaches in just over a month. We're excited. Ok, sorry not such a great update, but at least you heard about an amazing wedding. And if you're married just remember how much of a gift that spouse is. Truly... not every one gets to have the blessing of such an intimate relationship. Glorify God in it. After all, that is why you are together.

Until next time...
kt

The bottom

Well today I reached the bottom. I walked into work and BAM! I was hit. A "corporate" walked in and found that my name tag was upside down, and the rest of the day was downhill. There was Jesus in the midst through customers, but me in my stubborn personality, did not give into joy in the midst of the storm. Today I hated my job & I was considerably at the bottom. I was a bottom dweller. I have to ask the question... "why do we choose to dwell in the bottom when we could joyfully dance on top?" I present this question to you, my faithful readers.

Today I found myself, at what I thought was the bottom. There was no light at the end of the tunnel (or that I was choosing to look at or focus on). So to top off the day, I go out to my recently purchased 2001 Volvo S60. Do you think it would start? Absolutly not. Nope. Not today. When I was at the bottom, I could've decided to stay there. I called my friend Nancy, and she said "You've had a really bad day haven't you?" My response was obviously "YES!" Nancy: "And you know the enemy just wants to get you with this right?" Me: "yeah..." Nancy: "and you know that this really isn't a big deal and it'll all work out?" Me: "uh huh". So that was it. A brief moment of pride taken out & what replaced it? Joy. When I thought the day couldn't get worse, it got better. Yes, I still have a job I don't particularly love. Yes, my car was towed to the dealership. But Jesus is with me. My car will get fixed. (I have a 3 year warranty!!!) I will get to work tomorrow. And He is with me.

So when you find yourself at what seems to be your bottom & you choose to dwell there... PLEASE, for me & for your sake, get out. It is so much better to just get out. Choose joy over self-pity. Choose humility over pride. Choose spirit over flesh. Choose God over self. Life is never as sweet, as when its lived with Jesus Christ. The hope of Glory. The Son of Man. The Son of God. The Alpha & Omega. My redeemer. My savior. My hope. My peace. Allow Him to sing over you with peace & love. Choose Him today. If you don't, you might find yourself at the "bottom". But if you do, life isn't so bad.

JOYFULLY His,
katie

ps- This is what I learned today. Joy is a choice. We choose. Sometimes it doesn't feel good, but we need to. Or all things of God -hope, love, joy, etc., will be stripped & only because we've allowed them to be. I pray that you're finding joy in knowing Jesus. And if you don't know Him, I pray that you would come to know Him. Trust me, He is the best thing that could ever happen to you.

the past

I have noticed something about myself. I often long for what's past. I love to look at old pictures, read old cards, watch funny videos, and talk about memories long gone. I love the past. Interestingly enough, when I was in the past, I longed for what was before that. I didn't love where I was at that moment. Sure there were moments of utter joy & laughter; but as with each phase of life it always seems to get a little more difficult than the last phase. Yes I love the past, but that gives me no excuse to not look forward to the future.

Yes, each phase of life is truly more difficult than the last because I will have never faced it before. This is the definition of growth. You can't grow when you're doing things you always have, or you've known how to do. But God pushes us in the unknown. Right now, as I sit here & type, there are so many unknowns. How exciting that God wants me to grow so much?! If I'm not feeling a push toward Him, than I'm not being sensitive. He wouldn't be doing Himself justice if He didn't want us to be closer to Him. He absolutely is the best thing that can happen to you. let's take advantage. Let's grow. Let's be pushed. Let's depend on Him.

I love you brothers & sisters. Thank you all for putting me in my place after that last blog. I am thankful to have faithful readers. I appreciate you being in my life.

In love & faith,
Katie

Back by popular demand

Anna is with Grandpa Umbaugh & Grandma Mannan. I am with Grandma Umbaugh! We went our for chinese over a month ago! I love my grandparents.


And by popular I mean a one. Sarah Germann. Oh how I love her! And Sarah, because you are most likely the only one reading this, this is for you! :)

So my update on life...as of late I've been in "thinking mode". This usually entails thinking myself into circles, or asking questions with no answers, or asking questions with answers, but those answers are unknown to me. For example, "How long will I be a greeter at Verizon Wireless?" This is a question to which there is an answer, but for obvious reasons, are unknown to me. I feel as if I am in a holding period. I love Jesus & His plans for my life. There is no "but" in which you were expecting, but the simple fact that it is sometimes hard to accept. I don't mind the job all that much, and being with "the lost" again has challenged me & lit a fire inside my soul that hasn't existed in some time. But often I wonder what is the next step? Where is He taking me? There should be no room for doubt if my heart is filled with faith- this is my prayer. I trust where God is leading. Does it ever feel endless to you? Like I might be at verizon forever? This of course isn't true. Sometimes I just wonder...

I do love fall though. I went to Bloomington earlier this evening and the smell of leaves & and seeing the beautiful trees reminded me of a different time in my life. COLLEGE! Oh how I miss it dearly. But as I continue to work 40 hours a week, recieve benefits, and learn what it means to be "independant", I am slowly easing my way into the next phase of life. Weddings, cars, babies, apartments, houses, etc. This is accompanied with death, sickness, and the general awareness that life goes quickly.

Last week my grandmother went into the hospital. At a beaming 83 years old she fell and fractured two bones. She is now moving out of her house into assisted living. Being closely familiar with death's sting, I immediatly feared "losing" her. Shes doing fine now, and enjoy the next phase of her life. She has gone from a life of lonliness and pride, to a life full of social activities & humility. She loves the new phase, but it took her falling to realize this is where she needed to be.

I realize I am writing this while desperately tired, and when I write while I'm tired this don't always make a lot of sense & I tend to ramble on. But then again, this is the flow of thoughts, and things that are on my heart.

With these things said, I'll sign off with a few last thoughts. I'm extremely excited for those getting married, and for a while I didn't know if I wanted to get married. Good news: I still do. So I'm still waiting on that front. I hear the longer you wait the better it is. (as if we have a choice) The job: continually keeping ears & eyes open for an 8-5 that I would love. God will open the door its just a matter of when. In the mean time, I'm in a prime spot for ministry which is awesome. Me & Jesus: Trying to take more time out to hear His voice. Loving His word & studying the fruits of the Spirit.

Thats all. I've of course said too much already. But Sarah, thank you for reading.

baraka kibao (many blessings),
katie

The longing...

This is a journal entry I wrote as I read Craig's latest update. Today will be the day I say "goodbye" to a house full of memories. I will walk in a room where I lived for 13 years. Memories will pass through like lightening. I will go to the once famous basement, and see the parties, slumber parties, and movie nights flash through my mind. I'll sit in the family room, on the fireplace, and remember so many christmas's gone by. Envisioning our presents all around the room & the placement of Sarah, Anna, Laura, Lydia, and myself. Knowing where dad always set up the camera, mom always cooking breakfast, and the occasional grandparents sitting on the couch. I'll walk into the kitchen, sit on the counter, and remember tried but royally failed dinners. I'll remember burnt cookies, "hankie pankies", and Sarah's wonderful homemade pizzas. I'll walk through the backyard and remember pool parties, hot tub nights, and sometimes hard conversations had. Then the stinging reality of being in the house where Sarah last lived will hit me. I'll stand in the kitchen by the oven and remember when I found out Sarah had a tumor; and I'll remember how at that very moment I knew it wouldn't be long. I'll see her how she laid in the family room with her leg up constantly crying because of pain. But at the very same moment I'll recall the tender moments of dancing and singing. I'll remember making her smile with my karaoke skills, improve dance moves, and general "attention getters". I remember how she was my number one fan. I'll remember how she was a gift that I got to have for 21 years. I'll remember her laugh, her smile, her hug, her dance, her voice... I'll remember her. All other worries will pass me by. Simplicity will come, and I will again long for the life after this one. I'll long for eternity. I'll long to see Sarah. I'll long for Jesus.

Journal Entry:
As I sit and read reports from Nairobi, tears fill my eyes. I have a silent longing to return to that great big, dangerous city… full of looks, stares, and almost a constant fear of my safety. After reading a friends journal entries, I heard about children getting sponsored, friends getting attacked, and the general poverty of Kenya. There is an indescribable ache; in which I can not define. I search for words or explanations but there is an outpouring of my heart in the tears that fall which have no words at all. If I were to try and pray about how I’m feeling nothing would come; the Spirit would have to intercede. Yes I miss my friends, I miss the culture, but its more than that. As I sit icing my tendonitis stricken knee I find myself wondering, “what I am doing”. God has blessed me with working at the number one network in the nation- Verizon Wireless. I have great benefits, a free cell phone, but there is so much more to do. I want to move at His impulse. I want to be intimately involved with the plans of the Father. I desire so much for the people of Kenya. I desire so much for my own life… to be married, to have children, but above and beyond that to be completely and utterly filled with Jesus. I want to hear Him, speak to Him, and know His movements. Caught in sinful flesh but tied to the Holy Spirit, I am in a world where I’m desperately trying to break free of myself. I’m trying to break free of the pressures and expectations put on me by the world, and even Christian society as a whole. Where do I fit? The answer certainly won’t come from a billboard, commercial, or job. It won’t come to me in the form of a brochure or a paycheck. I am an alien to this world, and the idea of feeling comfortable has begun to leave my mind. I’m not made for here. Yes God has me here for a reason and I seek to live out this life fully until His will for my life is accomplished. But I was simply made for Him, and my home… it just isn’t here. Perhaps living in Kenya gave me a wider glimpse of who God is. It let me see a little more in the Kingdom of God. After writing this I suppose, tears come when reading about Kenya because I want to go home. Not to Kenya, 1425 Stonemill circle Carmel, IN, and not to the US. But not to give up on this life, or quit, or because I hate it here…. But simply because all things will be made perfect, and oh how I long for HIS perfection.

weddings & transitions

Hello blog readers. I realize it has been a hot minute since I’ve written you, and I apologize for that one. But honestly, I’m just trying to figure out my life. Through out the effort to sort myself I’ve realized it isn’t me who will be doing the “sorting”. (The answer is that God will) So right now I have found myself working at a store for Verizon Wireless. It is a great company to work for, but I’m still searching God to know what’s next. I don’t know that I will be there for a long while, but for now its God’s provision in my life and for that I’m thankful.

Ya know what? I have found that transitions aren’t always easy. The next steps are usually great but getting there can be a bit difficult. There are many things that are catching up to me and I haven’t allowed myself to be “sad” about, or miss. My sister Sarah, my friends and family in Kenya, moving from a home I’ve known for 13 years… just to name a few. I’m not asking for pity, but simply telling you what I’m learning. There was a recent diagnosis of tendonitis in my knee, and that has been a bit painful to stand for 8 hours of the day. I don’t know guys… I’m searching for answers, wondering what to do. I miss the 8-5, I miss college, but at this moment those are in the past and for now, this is what God has. Not to minimize because there are many joys.

OH weddings… I am writing while in IL headed back home from a wedding of an old friend (Carrie Barkyoumb) in KS. That was great. Last weekend I attended the late Tricia Callahan’s wedding (she is now Tricia Ray). That was lovely as well. It has been a blessing to see the miracle and blessing that marriage is. For God to unite two people together and that they love each other to commit for life. WOW! Someday, right?

I also LOVE where I’m living, and I love my time with Jesus. He is so good and is speaking to me.

So…that’s me in a nutshell; working for benefits (health that is) & bills, listening to God speak to me, and icing my knee continually. Lovely times. Let me know if God speaks to you about direction for me, and please keep in touch. I love you guys. And I truly pray that your ears are opened and that you take time to hear Him speak to you (not about me); because He is, but we usually just don’t stop to listen.

xoxo

The Latest

As I've mentioned, Florida was great but its time to crack down on "real life". Today I had two interviews. One with Verizon Wireless & another with Ameriprise Financial. I'm just praying for God's will. Both not easy to get, and then with Ameriprise, it could be hard to maintain (seeing as though, after a certain amount of time it will become all commissions based!). So I kniow the Lord's hand is in all of this. Verizon would be a seemingly insignificant job, but they have great benefits and room to grow. But at least the decision isn't up to me right?!

As far as other things go...I'm trying desperatly to stay motivated with this art class I'm trying to finish to complete my college education! I'm trying to get into Nancy's this week; which feels like a bigger job than I could take on this week. I'm sure by early next week I'll be in though! :)

Hmmm... I suppose there isn't much else. Just job hunting, finding joy in the freedom God is giving me right now. It often seems like I'm just floating & sucking life out of people (namely my parents or Nancy), but I truly believe that is not God's intention for this time at all. I believe this time is for restoration, a finding of joy, and just a time to kick back. So God... I appreciate this freedom!!!

Pray for the family as we make the transition out of 1425 Stonemill circle. Its still difficult. We'll be out kabisa (completely) by September 7th! So if you want to come say goodbye to this house of many memories you're more than welcomme. I know we'll be going through A LOT of processing, tears, and memories. Feel free to stop by at any time & bring joy in the midst of this hard time. Or just a helping hand is ALWAYS welcome. 13 years is a long time to live in a house.

Well I guess I'll leave you be. I pray that God is blessing you today in a way you've never known or could have expected. He is a big God & we should expect BIG things! AMEN?! I hooked you up w/ some pics from Florida w/ Anna. Lovely time.

xoxo,
kate

Professional job hunter

I have found myself in a place of discouragment. Wow is it hard to be unemployed, and honestly, I'm not very good at it. I HATE asking for money & thats precisly why I worked my way through college. But as I was talking with Nancy she was urging me to think perhaps God wants me to "be ok". To be ok with getting money from another source than my employment, and to just enjoy this time of life & virtually being "care free"; whether its by choice or not.

So as I step in a leap of faith and move in with her in these next couple weeks it will be hard. Its hard to move out of my parents house permanently. In many ways I feel like I have to hand them over to the Lord. (as if I had some control over their well-being anyway) I'll be handing myself over to the Lord in that I have NO CLUE where I'll be even in a month from now. Life seems so unknown to me... I just don't know sometimes.

You've caught me on a hard day. No job, no car, no money....but I do have to remember I have everything I'll ever need. I have the love of a God who is bigger than jobs, money, friends, husbands, cars, etc. I'm trying to rest in that. To wake up every day & know that there is a reason for the day, but I must get to the end of it to see what He had planned. Don't get me wrong, I am so thankful for so many things, but I guess I'm finding myself in a place I didn't expect or anticipated to end up! But I suppose thats just how life is huh? The unexpected always happens because we don't plan out this life. Which, when reviewing my past, I am SO glad I haven't made the plans.

Thanks for reading this blog ya'll... or should I say you! Life is throwing some twists & turns. Many days feel lonely, but I'm encouraged to know that many people are going through this same thing, I just don't know them! :) On the flip side... my friends Ellen Marie Crawford & Robert Freeman Fellows are engaged!!! This is an exciting one. So in Feb. will be Lydia's wedding to Bob Fox & then Ellen & Rob's. Lovely people who I am so excited for.

aight... I'm going to sleep now. Thanks for the love. If you live in or visit Indy holla at me.

xoxo
kate

Adjustments...

Well needless to say the patience I learned in Kenya is in a different way. Things like traffic, service, conversation, relationships, meals, etc., I learned to be decently patient in. Waiting on direction, from the Lord, is something I'm still trying to get my mind around. I just deleted a really quick post I made while in Florida. I was up for an interview but turns out its bogus. In a way that they were lying about the job & praise God I found out before hand. Now I feel like I'm back a square one. Honestly, I have all these desires & things I could see myself doing, but I don't feel a push. Certainly not from lack of self-motivation, because trust me, being poorer than I was in college is not fun. I'm motivated; but direction is lacking. Perhaps its out of my lack of seeking God's face...which I obviously need to do more of. But I do think He is trying to say "Katie... take a breather". I tend to push life along with no room for thinking, feeling, processing, and I always want to get to the next step.

Well right now with my parents moving the next step is getting them out of 1425 Stonemill circle. I have a sinking feeling in this little process of moving us out of a house we've been in for 13 years, processing & thinking will occur. I run across memories of Sarah. Her clothes, books, drawings, movies, etc., and I will almost be forced to think about her & allow myself the grief. On the other hand, I am an enormous pack rat. Everything is sentimental to me & with this its always hard for me to move. So as I look on memories of junior high, high school, and even stuff I kept from college, I'll be saying goodbye in an effort to minimize.

NEWS FLASH: I will not be living with my parents in Carmel. I've been offered a place to stay (virtually rent free & thats only if she turns down my offers for money) to live in Noblesville. This gracious woman's name is Nancy. She has an extra bedroom & an old friend is living with her right now too. So as I make efforts to get my feet on the ground & jolly (my car) off the driveway, I'll be living there.

I suppose those are the most recent updates. I ask for your prayer as my parents make this enormous transition, and as they try desperately to avoid going through Sarah's things. This is the house we remember her in & we all have to remember that the memories we take with us because they aren't in the house.

Anyway, thanks for your support & if you are the ONE person reading this... thanks for reading.

love,
katie

The Return Home

Yes its true, the adventure that seems as though it was just yesterday, is now complete. I can assure you the time for me to process that journey has barely begun, but I can tell you this, I miss Kenya. I have never known a place or people that are so close to home. Then again, I've never lived anywhere for a significant amount of time... other than Indiana. So, every time I see "kenya" or hear about it, there is a part of me that wishes I could be there.

On the flip side, I'm pretty sure God has me here for a specific purpose. My family is moving... for many reasons, but it is indeed so. God has given them the clue, & they are answering. The thing is they're starting in a rental, that for the amount of stuff the Umbaugh's have accumulated, it doesn't fit. From there they are building, but we obviously will be in the rental for a bit. Lydia is getting married in February, so shes not going anywhere. Laura (although perhaps not public yet) will be at home this semester and pursuing goals in the areas of style & fashing. Me? Well, as you know I'm a recent (minus 2 credits) graduate of Indiana University. I have no job, no money, and a quickly dying car. The new rental has 3 bedrooms. Thatleaves Laura & I (so Lydia can have her last room to herself) sharing a bed & a room. Lovely? I think so! :) But at the same time there is a push within me, and the fam, to get a quick hire and decent pay, so that I may become financially independant for the first time in my life! We'll see how that goes.

In other news... God is absolultely amazing for giving us this house. Kesho (tomorrow) I'll be working for my friend Blake who has begun his own landscaping company. Then next week I'll be going to Florida with a most gracious sister & brother-in-law (namely Rob & Anna). She has to get through some processing for life, and I for Kenya. So this will be much needed, prior to me joining the grind!

Yesterday in the shower I was listening to a christian radio station and they began talking, and my ears perked up when I heard "Here I am in Nairobi, Kenya". There was a radio announcer in Nairobi with Compassion International, who we(Tanari) worked with when I was over there. It almost brough a tear to my eye! But there is a time for everything, and it looks like it is the time for me to start this crazy financially stressing independant life!!!

So here I go...

xoxo,
katie

ps- I have decided to continue this blog. I don't promise to make frequent updates, but I suppose if this an easy way for you to keep up on my life, than you'll be able to stay informed!

pps- This picture is of us playing while Lyd was trying on wedding dresses!!!

Its almost over...

Hello my faithful blog readers.

I understand that I’ve been a bit slow on posting. I suppose with Lydia being here I don’t feel the need, or rather, there is a lot less time for me to spend writing an update. But because you are faithful & the slight chance you want an update, here you go!

Last week we went on safari in the Masai Mara. It was incredible. We saw all of the “big 5” except Rhino. The big five are: Lion, Leopard, Rhino, Elephant, & Buffalo. We saw herds of buffalo & zebra migrating. We saw baby lion cubs, baby monkey feeding on its mama, baby elephants, ok…. Basically, it was the lion king in real life. The scenery was incredible. I’ll soon put up pictures when Lydia & I find a way to get the pictures from her camera to my computer!

Kesho (tomorrow) we are leaving for Mombasa, by train. It is on the coast of the Indian Ocean & absolutely beautiful. We’ve been trying to convince friends to come & stay with us in our little cottage, but if they don’t, we rest assured our time there will be lovely. It’s going to be perfect weather. We’ll return Sunday night by bus, and then Lydia leaves on Tuesday & I on Wednesday. Crazy huh? These past four months have flown. I of course recognize the times that time seemed to stand still & I had to wake up & trust that God had me where he wanted me.

As of right now, the biggest lesson I’m learned & have been praying about it worry. I never knew how bad I was with worry, until this trip, & recently how bad I am about worrying about money. Wow- lets talk about a stronghold. Its not that I’ve always wanted a lot, but to not be in want has been my desire. Well, Lydia & I are broke as a joke, and are in no way finished paying off certain debts in this country. God is faithful though, amen? So its just a good thing we have a dad willing (maybe not able) but willing to help us out!

In addition to constant lessons on this walk with Jesus, I am dealing with a great big transition. I have a new community, family, & friends that I’ll be leaving soon. To come to another country completely alone, and build new relationships from scratch, with them knowing nothing of your past or who you were has been incredible. My relationships here are so fresh & real, and I’m going to miss them deeply. So with that said, yesterday I think I cried my first tears as I thought about leaving this country & people that I love. Please pray for strength & a good transition back into life into the United States. Thanks! You’re the best.

Well, I return July 13th at 4:45pm, at the Indianapolis Airport. If I don’t see you there, I hope to see you soon after I return. I’ll take how ever many free meals, or starbucks, that you want to treat me to! Thanks again for all your love & support & prayers. God has richly blessed my time, & I now have a second home in Kenya.

Xoxo,
Katie

Ps- I’ll most likely send out a last “monthly update” email before I leave. If you don’t receive it… kwa heri (bye) until I return.