random thought flow... hang on. its always a crazy ride

Well here I am on a Friday night, at home, alone. You know you’re bored when you find out the event of the night, making friendship bread, in fact isn’t supposed to be made until tomorrow. What could I do? I could watch a movie, but nothing sounds good. I could bake, but I have to bake tomorrow. I could play on facebook… that never lasts long. I could figure out how to use myspace, useless. I could re-watch a slideshow of pictures from the MediaSauce flag football game that I’ve watched twice… consider my attention span gone. I could go out to a friend’s, but I’m really tired. Of course there is always the option of going to sleep, but seeing how it’s Friday night something in me keeps pushing me on to a later hour.

I finished my book tonight, “An Echo in the Darkness”, by Francine Rivers. It was the second in the Mark of the Lion series. It was one of those books that you just wait for a free moment to pick up and read. The first book, “A Voice in the Wind” was the same. Phenomenal reads, and I would recommend everyone (even the males) to pick them up. It speaks of Rome about 40 years after Jesus died & was risen. It talks about the holocaust that happened in Jerusalem, and gives you a clear picture of what Rome looked like then. As I approached remarkable turns, being 2 chapters away from the end I contemplated not finishing. Not that I wouldn’t finish it, but it was so good, full of such truth, I didn’t want it to end. Interestingly enough, I tried to watch tv, call friends, but nothing quite satisfied me as when I finished. I took about 20 minutes and read the last 15 pages of a great novel. I’m glad it ended because it ended perfectly. Perhaps not in the “human” eyes, or a chick flick, but wow was it good. And so I find myself restless, bored, and thinking on this Friday night.

I turn to think of things like jobs, relationships, life in general. Its fleeting isn’t it? I mean jobs come and go, relationships may only last for week, and life can go in a flash. I am amazing at the people God bring in and out of my life. Looking back all I hope is that I was used. When you’ve met someone, you don’t the reason, you don’t know how long it will last, and as I write this I am unsure as to what God has in it…. But I can walk confidently that I’ve spoken the truth. I hid nothing. I was honest. And we’ll see what God does.

What can be hard sometimes is that you have such a deep longing for something more. In my case, I truly believe that God, Jesus, Holy Spirit, Heaven is that longing…. I long to be “home”. As you grapple with keeping an eternal perspective, yet knowing tomorrow is another day, how do we approach it? I realize this is a lot of endless thought… but truly, knowing I am called to something so much greater than I’m living for how do you deal with that? How do I make a difference where I am now? How do I not become restless in every area of my life? Truth be told sometimes I feel like my life would make a bigger difference if I went back to Kenya, or I was off fighting for good causes. But as I think about it I am in the same war missionaries are in. I am in the same war followers are in doctor’s offices, schools, restaurants, cubicles….

I long to be different. I long to make a difference. I desire to leave none of me, but the reminisce of Jesus. I want to touch, and feel, and leave, a taste of something more in people’s lives so they are no longer satisfied with this life. I want to know the voice of Jesus, and I desire others to know that same Voice. I pray that we would listen. I pray that we would open our ears to hear the Voice of God echo in the darkness. For he is there, He hears us, He is speaking…. We just need to quiet ourselves to hear Him speak over us songs of hope, forgiveness, love, and satisfaction. It is only in His presence that I have peace, and I can rest.

I have no idea where you are, but know that you are not alone. This race isn’t an easy one. Hang in there. There are others standing with you, there are angels standing by, and there is One speaking to you the words you need so desperately to hear.