Thoughts of weariness and life

So many thoughts flood my mind tonight that it is hard to sort out or know what to say or how to begin. This weekend was a desert. How does God satisfy in a dry and weary land where there is no food?

He provides. He doesn't move. He doesn't leave you. He remains. He is present in those moments.

This weekend was hard for many reason, but the key factor is that I was to mourn my grandpa's death... and celebrate his life. Thankfully we did both of those. My grandpa was an amazing man and I am thankful for his life here on earth. My prayers are now with my Grandma - for her husband of 62 years has been set free.

My heart is weary, as I'm coming to find this a regular feeling. Not that I enjoy it or am choosing to wallow in it, but as I came before the throne of the Almighty tonight, I confessed to Him I don't know why I am like this. Yes my grandfather entered eternal glory, but it runs deeper. And He said "Just be." "Be present as I am present with you." As tears well up in my eyes over this realization, and I am thankful that its ok to be weary (once again).

I am thankful for the many blessings of this past weekend. The phone calls, the prayers, the emails...thank you for thinking of my family and me. Thank you for pleeding for strength and peace on our behalf. Peace there is, and I am thankful. But that leaves a tired crew who are coming back to re-integrate into "normal life". In this life I know that hope exists. I know that tomorrow will be a day that the Lord has made, just as today was. But today acknowledgment by my Grandfather's gravesite, that life is fleeting, how do I take that and live it out where I am?

More and more pictures of what I thought life would look like fade, and reality sets in. I do have to say it is somewhat less exciting, however, not at all less able to love God and love others. I was telling Anna tonight that life no longer feels like an "adventure". But rather a story, messy at times, and most days I probably wouldn't want to read, but God is unfolding something bigger than myself in it. As long as I am living in surrender to His will, His ways, and recognizing that I am creation worshiping the Creator, I'm good.

I guess I had words to say, things to process, but no real stories to tell. Just my thoughts and heart on the table. Take them for what they are.

So, now, I bid you goodnight. As I turn off my computer, roll into "sleeping position", I will rest hopeful in this weak body of mine because I know that Grandpa, Sarah, and someday myself, will dance on Glory's side. For that day, for what God can do in tomorrow, I sleep, wake up, and do it again.

Resting in His grace that defines me,
Kate


This is what my heart feels tonight...

A song by JJ Hellers. If you don't know her - get to. She is amazing.

I have unanswered prayers, I have trouble I wish wasn't there
and I have asked a thousand ways that you would take my pain away
you would take my pain away.

I am trying to understand, how to walk this weary land
make straight the paths that crooked light,
Oh, lord before these feet of mine
oh lord before these feet of mine

when my world is shaking, heaven stands.
when my heart is breaking I never leave your hands.

when you walked upon the earth
you healed the broken the lost and hurt
I know you hate to see me cry
one day you will set all things right
yeah one day you will set all things right

when my world is shaking heaven stands
when my heart is breaking i never leave your hands.
your hands, your hands that shaped the world.
are holding me, they hold me still
your hands that shaped the world,
are holding me, they hold me still.

when my world is shaking heaven stands.
when my heart is breaking I never leave you,
when my world is shaking heaven stands
when my heart is breaking I never leave
I never leave your hands.